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My Precious Kristen Valery
Dec 13, 2002

My husband and I struggled along the infertility roller coaster for many years when we were finally blessed to adopt a son, Kalin, now 8. That was followed by two more adoptions...my daughters Kimberly, 6, and Kassie, 4. We had always wanted many children but finally accepted that they would come through adoption and were richly blessed. I had a hysterectomy after Kassie's adoption and that part of our life has been closed forever. I figured that it was my test and I had passed it. Now I would just be blessed. (That seems so arrogant now...)

And we were blessed even more! 10 months ago we decided to adopt one more baby. Our other children are African-American and we went to an agency specializing in the placement of African-American children. No joke--a week after my initial inquiry they called begging me to consider adopting right away infant twins that were a little premature and still in the hospital. It was crazy...everybody thought we had lost our minds but we did it. Kristen Valery and Kyle Eric came into our lives. Though they struggled at first...the result of no prenatal care, drug use, and infection...they thrived when they came to our home and within months were completely caught up in their growth and doing well.

Then yesterday--December 12, 2002, I went to get Kristen from her crib. She had slept in that morning, but she often slept in. But her body was cold and stiff and I knew right then that she was asleep forever. Heavenly Father had taken her home. The grief I feel is so raw and terrible right now, but it helps to write it down. I can't seem to let Kyle out of my sight now. My other children don't understand and I don't have the words to explain it to them. I live right now clutching to the hope and the knowlege that others out there have gotten through this...that this searing, burning grief will simmer and I will learn how to live and pass that along to my children. I cling to the hope that the fear I feel about my remaining twin will become reasonable again and that maybe someday I can be a mother to him without the constant fear of losing him. For now, I know it is day to day. I ask for your prayers for our family and thank you all for your understanding.

I have been a nurse (pediatrics, OB, and ER) over a decade and have seen a great deal of loss of pregnancies, premature infants, and young children. I have held mothers, fathers, families, friends, as they wept. Never did I think that I would be doing the weeping. Never did I think that I would experience a loss that hurt more than not being able to bear children. I have seen others experiencing great losses and wondered how they got through. Now I will find out, because tonight as I write these words, I know that the only way from here is through. Thank you all for showing me that we can survive and share and take this grief and make it into caring.

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