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Born Into the Glory of Heaven
Jun 11, 2002
We lost our first baby (Joey) on Feb 9, 2001. It was really a totally surreal experience for me. For most of the pregnancy I wasn't even sure if we were pregnant. She took the pregnancy test and the "positive" line showed up, but never very clearly. Of course we were both very excited and really went all out in our preparations. We went and did our baby registry when Rose (my wife) was only a few weeks along. Our first doctors visit went according to plan, but just a short time later, Rose woke up and was bleeding. The doctor assured us it was nothing, but suggested we come in for a few tests just to make sure. The blood test told us that her HCG levels were very low and that the baby had stopped growing. The physical part of the miscarriage started very soon after that. Throughout the whole thing, I didn't really know how to feel. I was worried about Rose, and all the pain she was experiencing, but the whole thing was never really real to me. In my heart I knew that we had lost a baby, but my head kept trying to convince me that we hadn't. I never really dealt with that first loss (I guess in the end I convinced myself that it wasn't such a big loss since the baby never developed past being just a cluster of cells). I certainly didn't talk to Rose about it. In fact one day she told me that she had named the baby Joseph Andrew and she hoped I didn't mind. I think my reply was something to the effect of "Whatever you want sweetheart, it doesn't really matter to me". In retrospect, not the most sensitive thing I could have said.
On Feb 9, 2002, on a whim really, Rose took a pregnancy test and this one confirmed that once again, we were expecting. There was no doubting this time, the "positive" line was even darker than the "control" line. Again we were both ecstatic, but also cautious because of our previous experience. When we saw the doctor at the 8 week appointment, he even hooked Rose up to an ultrasound saying "I know this will put ya'll at ease". Sure enough, there was our baby. He was perfectly healthy. According to his measurments, he was 8 weeks along (just like he should be), and his little heart was just beating away. After the visit, I just knew that we were going to have a happy healthy baby. Unfortunately, that was not in God's plan. About 2 weeks after that visit, on March 20, 2002, Rose noticed some spotting. We called the doctor, and he scheduled us to come in for an ultrasound. It was during that session that they discovered the baby no longer had a heartbeat. Apparently he had died sometime very shortly before that as he measured 9 weeks and a few days. We were both devestated. We have been very blessed though as our families and friends have been very supportive through this whole ordeal.
I know in my heart that both Joey and Paul are very lucky to have been born instantly into the glory of Heaven, but of course Rose and I are left behind to grieve.
Anyway, now you know a little bit about me and where I'm coming from.
Stephen
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