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Feeling Stronger Through Loss
Jan 25, 2003

I was 18 when I found out that I was pregnant with my son. I was engaged to a man who is now my husband. We found out that we were pregnant on June 29, 2002. We were so excited. It was my first child and his second. I tried to do everything possible to have a healthy pregnancy. I had my pregnancy confirmed on July 3, 2002. I went up to Planned Parenthood and had a pregnancy test done. I was crying cause I was so happy. I was finally going to be a mom. That was something that I wanted since I was a little girl. My sister had two kids and I knew that I was going to be with this man for the rest of my life so I wanted to start a family. Everything was going fine for the first week after I found out. I had a heavy lifting job that took a lot out of me since I had less energy because of the baby. About three days before my first prenatal, my sister had come over with her kids. She told me that I was having a boy. I guess she has never been wrong when it has come to guessing the sex of the child. My fiancée and I started calling our baby "our son". Two days later, I had my first prenatal. The doctor told me that I was 6 weeks along and that my due date was March 7, 2003(my fiancée’s birthday). Later that day, my fiancée and I went to Grand Forks (the closest big city to us) with a couple of friends. We went into Wal-Mart, Target, and Sam's Club to find baby stuff. I bought a Bassinette, booties, cap, bottles, and a pacifier. We were looking for a crib but none of the places that we looked had any that we wanted. So we brought our stuff back home. That night I started to bleed. I didn't think that anything was wrong. Just to be sure, I called the hospital and they told me to just put my feet up and rest and I should be fine. So I called into work and told the nurse in charge what was going on. At this time I was working in a nursing home. She said that it was fine and told me to take it easy. The next day, all that I did was sit around. My fiancée was worried about me but wanted to make sure that I was ok. He kept asking me if I needed anything but I wanted to get it myself. Around 8:00 that evening, I saw a blood clot. I know that doesn't mean good. So we went up to the emergency room where I swear that they hire the dumbest doctors here. I waited for just about an hour to get into the emergency room and the nurse after I got in, had to ask me everything and didn't seem to care about why I was in there She took blood from me and wanted to get a urine sample. So I went into the bathroom and tried to give her one but all that she got was blood. When I went into the bathroom, I heard a pop and I started to gush blood. Naturally I was freaking out. The doctor finally came in to examine me. He was looking at my cervix and said that it looks like it is open a little bit. Then he had the nerve to tell me that he "thinks" that I am having a miscarriage. I wanted to slap him and say "no really?" My mom and my stepdad came to see how I was doing. My fiancée called into work for me and they were very rude to him. After I lost my baby, I was crying for weeks. I thought that I would never get better and I was blaming myself for what had happened. About three weeks later, I got married. My husband and I decided to put off trying for a little bit. After the first of the year, we decided that we could try again. On January 4, 2003, I found out that I was pregnant again. We were so happy. We were wondering if we would be alge to conceive again. We were still trying to get answers from the first one.
At this time I am unemployed. I am waiting to hear back from a couple placed that I had applied to. My husband and I had just back from a two week vaction in Minneapolis. The next day, I told everyone. I was so happy that I would be having that family that I always wanted! On Monday, I called up to the hospital and asked for a pregnancy test. I went up there and had my pregnancy confirmed. They scheduled my first prenatal for the 14th. That night me and my husband made love. Right afterwards i started to bleed. I started to freak out cause I remembered about the last pregnancy. I was trying to take it easy that night but I thought that maybe I could stop the miscarriage before it happens. So me and my husband went up to the emergency room and explained what was going on. I was examined and it showed that my cervix was still closed. I knew that nothing too bad was happening then. I was told to go home and rest and follow up with the doctor tomorrow. I was put on strict bed rest. So we got home and the rest of the night I was laying around with my feet up. The next day I went back up to the hospital and followed up. They took blood from me and ran some tests. I also had a pelvic exam done. It showed that my cervix was still closed. So my doctor sent me back hom and put me on bed rest. Later that night I started to bleed heavier. So we went back up to the emergency room.
Ironically I was in the same room that I was in with the first miscarriage. I was told the same thing again, just to go home and put my feet up. I was told that once a miscarriage starts, there is nothing to do to stop it. So I went home. The next day, my husband and I talked to a lady that runs the Infant Bereavement Program. She thought that we needed to see someone on the Mental Health Department. This last miscarriage has made me wonder if I can even have kids. I am gonna ask for tests to be done to see if I can get some answers. Maybe someone can tell me what is going on. The one thing that both me and my husband need is support. Both of our families didn't seem that supportive. The only ones that really seemed to car was my mother, my sister, and my husband's birthmother. Everyone else pretty much said that it was probably for the best and we weren't ready anyway.
Here is my story. After having two miscarriages I am starting to see things more clearly and I have matured more. My husband and I have grown closer and enjoy each other more. I guess whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
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