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Ean and Caleb
Jan 05, 2003

I am 31 years old and became pregnant in June of 2002. I found out that I was having twins on the first doctor's visit. I was terrified and excited at the same time. The father wasn't too happy about the pregnancy and we barely spoke to each other. I went to every doctor's appointment and did everything that the doctor said. I was put on bedrest when I was about 5 months along. I lost both babies at the doctor's office, November 13, 2002. I had to deliver them early morning on the 14th. I am quite devastated. It hurts me to see other people with their babies and I long for my boys (Ean Immanuel and Caleb William)so much. I have been out of town with my Mother for a month and I've been going to counseling. I still cry quite often. When I am not crying I want to cry. I am on medication for depression. I never got to hold them or hear them cry. I've written a few poems in their memory I'd like to share them at another time. I desperately want to have another chance to be a mother and I fear not being able to do so. My family wants me to not dwell on my loss, but how can one not dwell as they say it? I am constantly reminded of the two beautiful children that I will never get to be a mother to, hear them speak or watch them grow up. I try not to watch the news any more or Life Time's baby story because it's painful watching how people have babies and not aprreciate the gift that they have or watch excited mothers get to have what I long for. When does the pain go away?

Rene', West LA, CA
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