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Feeling Like a Failure
Dec 15, 2002

Last year I was around 10 weeks pregnant at Thanksgiving. At least I thought. I started bleeding 2 days before Thanksgiving. Since I had a threatened miscarriage with my son, my doctors were not worried. But when I woke up the next morning and the bleeding had not stopped, I knew my baby was gone. I went to see the doctor that morning and they tried to convince me that it was a threatened miscarriage. "Well, you wont beleive me until you hear and see the heartbeat." the doctor said. During the ultrasound my doctor said nothing. Then he sat down and just said "I am sorry, your baby does not have a heartbeat." My world ended then. I blamed it on work, laundry, and everyday stress. I was only 21, I didnt know how to handle it. Well on October 21st of this year, my 22nd birthday, I found out I was pregnant again. The mixture of fear and happiness was unsetteling but I would not let myself worry too much. Besides, I was gaining weight really fast and by 8 weeks I was in maternity clothes. I thought for sure everything would be fine. I found out on my birthday and the due date was exactly one month from my husbands birthday. Well at 11 weeks I had some spotting. I went to the emergency room and they said my cervix was closed and that I had a bladder infection which would cause bleeding. By the next morning the bleeding had stopped, so I did not think anything but what the ER doctor had told me. Three days later on December 10, 2002 I went for my visit with my ob. They could not get a heartbeat with the in the examing room, so they decided to do an ultrasound. I watched the ultrasound this time. Fully expecting to see that little heart beating away. What I saw was that my baby's heart was not beating. In fact, it had quit beating at 8 weeks and 6 days. Thanksgiving day. I feel so usless. I am angry all the time and I dont know who with. I know I have to keep my emotions in check because I have been blessed with a 3 year old little boy, and he deserves a good Christmas. But its so hard. My mother had to take back all the maternity clothes she had bought me for Christmas and busted out crying in the store. I just dont know how to deal with myself. I hate looking in the mirror. I feel like I have failed myself and my babies. And the doctors "cant" tell me why I keep doing this. I see all these articles of people throwing babies away in dumpsters. Why would whoever it is that blesses us with these pregnancies let them go full term and the millions of women who want these babies more than anything in the world, why would ours be taken away?
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