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Did I Wait Too Long?
Dec 01, 2002

Before my husband and I got engaged, we agreed to have one child. I considered myself an "older" bride--got married when I was 30. Of course, I wanted to start trying to have our baby right away. Unfortunately, my husband wasn't ready. At the time, I felt he was right--we needed to buy a house and have time together as a couple. Now, I can't help but wonder if that was a huge mistake. Just when we got to the point where we felt ready to start trying (I was 34), my husband got notice that his job was going to be eliminated. He didn't feel comfortable trying to conceive knowing that he may be out of a job. At that time, my best friend tried to tell me to stop taking the pill without him knowing it. I felt that was wrong--now I wish I would have tried it. After my husband got his new job and felt like he was "ready" to start trying, I was 36. Of course, he and I both thought it would happen right away. After the standard six months of trying, I went to my doctor. He suggested clomid. I tried the clomid, but my husband was totally against it (didn't want multiples). He also wouldn't have his sperm tested (didn't want to place "blame"). So, we continued trying the old fashioned way. It was during this time that my sister told me that she didn't want babies, just puppies. Anyway, I finally conceived on my own in August 2000. I was thrilled but scared of miscarriage. I had been taking my temp and noticed a drop. Nervous about low progesterone, I called my doctor's office and the nurse told me to relax and enjoy my pregnancy. I took her advice. A week and a half later, I miscarried. I was devasted and felt like I killed my baby by not insisting that my progesterone levels be checked. It took me a year to recover from that loss. Three months after my loss, my sister, the one who wanted puppies, also had a miscarriage. After the loss, my doctor suggested artifical insemination. Of course, my husband was against it. So, we had unprotected sex, and I basically convinced myself that it wasn't meant to be for me. My sister also wasn't getting pregnant, so that also made it easier on me. Much to my suprise, I found myself pregnant in July at age 40! I just knew this time that it was meant to be! I was excited, nervous, and stressed. My husband was shocked! I started progesterone right away. I counted down each day and when I got past six weeks (when I had my first loss), I felt I was going to make it. At 7 1/2 weeks I had my first ultrasound. There was a baby with a heartbeat! I knew my chances of making it were even better. Then, a week later, I started spotting. My husband and I were still optimistic. Three days after the spotting began, I started bleeding. Another ultrasound was done. . .the technician typed in "NO CARDIAC ACTIVITY" on the picture of my little angel. This time, my husband's the one devastated. He's made it clear that he doesn't want to try again and take the risk of more pain. I'm not happy with that. . .Now, to make matters worse, my sister-in-law discovered she's pregnant and I've learned that my sister, the one who always wanted puppies, is going to a fertility clinic. It makes me sad that my husband can't support me in the same way her husband is supporting her. I love him dearly, but fear that this will always be a thorn in our marriage. I'm also not sure how I'll be able to handle it if my sister does have a successful pregnancy. Life just isn't fair! Thanks for listening! It helps to get my frustration out of my brain!
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