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Nov 25, 2002

My advance apoligies for using this opportunity for therapy...

My story begins at 19 with an unplanned preganancy. My high school sweatheart and I had gone off to college together and after 4 months of being "roommates" we discovered that we were going to be parents. I had waited until after finals to take the home pregnancy test so that I wouldn't be too stressed to study if it came up positive. We were both shocked to see the second pink line on Dec 6, 1994.

It was not the best situation for us. We were uninsured, struggling to pay the rent and buy groceries, and were losing our jobs in 6 months. My parents were not supportive of our living arrangement, and we knew that a pregnancy would be even less accepted. His parents had never really taken an interest in him, and we didn't want to follow the same path as his sisters with having children out of wedlock.

The next few weeks were a whirlwind of emotion. We came to terms with pregnancy and even began to get excited. I even purchased a few items: bottles and pacifiers, etc. I knew that I needed to seek prenatal care, but because I didn't have medical insurance, I took my time researching where I could find low-cost care. In the meantime, I convinced my boyfriend that we should be married, and the sooner the better. I made arrangements for some friends to act as witnesses at a Justice of the Peace wedding on Jan 10, 1995. We didn't tell our parents due to the stress in our relationships at the time.

I did some heavy cleaning the day before the wedding, lifting heavy items and vacuuming. The next day, the day of the wedding, I was feeling pretty bad, the shooting pains in my abdomen that I had felt on occasion earlier in my pregnancy returned. My uterus ached and felt heavy. The wedding was uneventful, our friends returned home, and since we were unable to get time off of our second shift jobs, we went to work. A few hours into work, I noticed that I had started to bleed. By the time work was over, the bleeding was fairly heavy so we rushed to the hospital. There I was on my wedding night in the ER suffering a miscarriage, the main reason why we had rushed into a quick wedding. I estimate that I was 8 to 10 weeks. I had to have a D&C a few days later, there was no "honeymoon" for this wedding as postcare instruction limited sex for 6 weeks.

For years I struggled with the miscarriage. Because of the shame of getting pregnant out of wedlock, we did not tell any family or friends. Not being able to express my feelings made it harder for me to deal with. Add to that the guilt of feeling relieved that I had been spared of explaining the pregnancy, spared the financial and emotional burden of having a baby at a young age, complicated with geninuine grief over the loss. Our anniversary is always a difficult time for me as it marks that date of our loss as well.

In 1998, I was diagnosed with endometriosis. My doctor assured me that it was not the cause of the miscarriage, but that it would affect my fertility. He explained to me that it would make it difficult for me to get pregnant and that I should try to conceive earlier in life rather than later. My husband and I had discussed our plans for children. Since we had been taken by surprise with the first pregnancy, we wanted to make sure that we accomplished certain things before we had children. Our to-do list included buying a house, having good jobs, visiting Las Vegas, taking a cruise to the Caribbean, and visiting Hawaii.

In August 2000, a little over 5 years after the first marriage, we were remarried in a victorian chapel in Vegas. As corney as it sounds, it was a beautiful wedding that helped heal the loss I felt from rushing into the JP wedding the first time. My parents were our only guests as we had repaired our relationship.

In September of 2000, I had the first of 2 laparoscopies to remove the visible endometriosis. I also went on a regimine of BC pills to rest my body and prevent the disease from progressing further. In the next 2 years I focused on healing my body. By then we had good jobs and a house, had gone to Vegas and on a cruise. In June of 2002, we went to Hawaii and began immediately trying to get pregnant.

For my 27th birthday (October 3rd, 2002), I made a wish over my birthday cake to become pregnant. That same month my wish came true! I was thrilled to go to my OB and confirm my pregnancy on November 8, 2002 with my husband at my side. We had waited 8 years for everything in our lives to be "perfect" so we could try to start our family, it was such a rush. I ran out and bought several books on pregnancy, determined to understand what was happening to my body this time. Convinced that my previous miscarriage would not be repeated, I was shocked at my ultrasound two weeks later(7 weeks pregnant)that the heartbeat was slow and the amniotic sac ruptured. A few days later (this past Friday), the embryo died. During the first pregnancy, I had morning sickness, but unexplained pain. In this pregnancy, I felt wonderful with no sickness or pain. I was sure this pregnancy would be different, especially since it was so desired this time.

In a few hours, I go to have the pregnancy "removed" by D&C. We have been devastated by the loss of the first pregnancy, the diagnosis of my disease, and now the loss of this pregnancy. Because of the first loss, we had decided not to tell any friends or family about this pregnancy until Christmas Eve when I would reach my 12th week. In light of the holidays and the fact that my parents still don't know about my first loss, it seems cruel to tell them about this loss since it will bring them nothing but pain.

We have decided to give my body and mind a few cycles to heal before trying again. This will give us time to research the cause of this second occurrence and hopefully correct the cause. It is discouraging to know that we have a 30% to 40% chance of experiencing another loss in our next pregnancy. My husband has also expressed an interest in adopting an Asian child (he is half Korean), which he had been opposed to before and I had never pressed him on. It seems encouraging to know that I will have children one way or another. I am not willing to give up hope that I can do this myself. I have already proven that I could get pregnant on my own and we hadn't been sure I could do that again. Wish me luck, and thanks for listening!
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