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Three Angels
Nov 21, 2002

I don't know where to start. I won't say I am new here bcoz I have been coming to this site almost everyday from last 1-2 months like one of those haunted souls...and already feel friends with all of you.
My DH and I have been married for last six years. The first time we got pregnant(it was not planned) we were so thrilled, we certainly were on cloud nine. We announced the BIG news to all our family and friends. Unfortunately our happiness did not last very long. My sonogram visit at week 23 revealed that our baby girl had a severe neural tube defect. I couldn't believe my ears...I kept telling myself.... everyone here has gone crazy, it can't be my baby they are talking about. I could still feel my baby fluttering inside me. It was all safe inside me, so well protected how could anything go wrong. And then I felt that everything around me was spinning. I burst out into tears. I don't remember how I landed from my bed to the floor in crazy sobs. All I remember is the pain, the shock. It is so fresh in my memory even now and I know it always will be. We had to make that hard, cruel decision....we had to terminate our pregnancy. I don't know how we survived through it. This happened 2 years ago. We stopped thinking about babies after this, we just were not ready emotionally. And then came the time when we felt we were ready to have our baby. This time we planned three months in advance, took all the Prenatal care. And I was pregnant again in Feb 2002. Everything looked good until I started spotting in the seventh week. And then it happened..I miscarried our 2nd angel in 8th week. We were totally shattered and could not understand what could have gone wrong this time. I had to go through D&C. Our Ob/Gyn ran some tests which came out normal. The chromosomal test revealed that we had lost a healthy baby girl.... We waited for another 3 cycles and got pregnant again only to miscarry our third angel at week five. I was totally devastated and knew that there was no place for false hopes, positive thinking and faith in my life. Even tears had dried in my eyes. I don't know what kept us moving. In all this darkness how we still managed to find a little ray of hope. We started to focus on what we could do to save our baby next time. We just could not find ourselves sitting there and mourning...we had to do something..We went to an RE this time and did the entire recurrent miscarriage workup. Everything came out normal. We planned again and got pregnant. Today I am 5w1d pregnant and nervous beyond explanation. I started spotting in week four. The RE has put me on progesterone suppositories. Although the spotting has stopped completely but my worries haven't... I am praying hard and trying to remain positive.

Thanks all for listening to my story.
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