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Dashed Hope And Many Losses
Apr 09, 2002

Today is the anniversary of one of my recent losses. Two years ago, once again our hopes of one last baby were dashed when twelve weeks along, the bleeding became a loss, the second baby of all I've lost that I saw. Recently, this past November 7 and 11, I lost twins in separate miscarriages just a few days apart. It was one of my more difficult losses, (due to hemorrhaging again), as almost noone acknowledged the loss. Many felt I shouldn't have been pregnant at my age to begin with. In between, the loss of my twins, a dr. informed me that I'd begun to lose babies as early as 2-3 weeks, due to an ongoing thyroid problem, aggravated by improper medical care.

Three and a half years ago, I lost David at four months. He was the first baby of all I've lost that I saw. He was beautiful, fully formed. I was told that had my thyroid been properly monitored, had the dr. listened to me, I more likely wouldn't have lost him.

People don't understand why I feel such a loss when I've been blessed with living children. My oldest is 24. My youngest is 7. We've lost every pregancy since. Before that, I experienced some devasting miscarriages, the first at five weeks, the next at 8 weeks, with hemorrhaging, then as hindsight I was told the early bleeding in my third pregnancy was actually the loss of my son's twin, though the dr. didn't record it as such. After I had an unusual loss. The baby's heartbeat was heard at 12 weeks, but three weeks later couldn't be found. When they finally did the ultrasound, there was no longer a baby,who was supposedly reabsorbed.

After that loss, we were blessed a few years later with a surprise gift, our first daughter. The next pregnancy,I experienced heavy bleeding while in another town searching for a new home. The midwife thought I probably would lose that baby, but didn't know for sure. We did move, took a pregnancy test, which was positive, and about two months later, I began spotting.
A week later, I woke to what a surprise series of contractions, and later saw the placenta. The midwife guessed the baby had died earlier, though I was now five months. A fever developed, and I ended up in intensive care fighting for my life. Very few acknowledged that loss either,family hours away, and being new to the community, almost no friends, even the church turned against me, though they did allow a private service, my first and only one. The midwife later told me she felt it was a twin pregnancy.

There are others I haven't mentioned, the ones I have are the ones that affected me more. Every so often I remember Raphael and Rachel. Remembering Gabrielle brought up their memory, and the lack of support. We're not sure if I'm pregnant again, but I can't help but be concerned if I am, I may lose another one, no matter what I do. It was a real blessing to me finding this site, and hope to spend more time reading through what's here. Thanks for being there.
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