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Four Little Ones Waiting In Heaven
Apr 06, 2002

Well, I believe this is the begining of an epic story filled with joy, faith, sorrow and feelings of hopelessness all in the same ongoing journey. So bear with me as I share what has become a long journey though grief.
My name is Annetta. I am a 36 year old wife and mother of four living children . We have four little ones in heaven. I married my high school sweetheart in 1984. We are both deeply committed christian. Our first pregnancy ended in mc. That was 1987 and I carried Jesse for 6 weeks. We were shocked. Four months later I was pg with our daughter Lauren and she was born wonderfully healthy. 1991 brought our son Drew. Again beautiful delivery and pg. He was born at a birthing center with a midwife. When Drew was 3 we decided to try for another child. What ensued was 2 1/2 years of nothing. We gave up and then suprise we were pg with Alexis. Another healthy beautiful delivery and pg with a midwife. Suprise , suprise pg again and 23 months after Alexis came Adrianna. She was even born at home. We were so thrilled. In April 2000 I was pg again and 6 weeks along when I mc'd Micah. This was a very hard loss. We decided to try again. Four months later I was pg. with Timothy . We were so happy. Sadly we lost him at 21 weeks gestation. It was a nightmare. The ultrasound finding out the baby was gone, calling Leo at work , being alone. It was so awful. My midwife was wonderful. She stayed with me through it all until Leo was able to be there. 20 hours of labor, morphine, an IV etc... I felt like I was trapped in a cruel nightmare. This can't be happening to me. Timothy was born, tiny but perfect. He had been gone at least a week. We held our tiny little boy and cried. The son we had prayed for the brother our son had longed for was gone. Why? This loss was so devastating. I could fill a book with my sorrow and fear. In fact I filled two jounals talking to God . God placed just the right people there for us to comfort us. He was with us all the way. He used this experience to show us just how much he loved us and how much others loved us. I really struggled with why anyone would love me. I thought I must be fooling them, how could they love me? God ripped away so many strong holds in my life through this experience. In an instant he brought about answers to prayers I had been praying for years. I felt both blessed and cursed at the same time. Blessed by God's unfailing love but cursed in the barreness I now felt. We decided to try again. We wanted another baby so bad. We waited the prescribed three months and then began trying. It took us over months to become pg again and sadly we lost Enoch at 6 weeks. What a cruel twist that we lost him on Dec. 9th 2001 exactly one month from the one year anniversary of Timothy's death, Jan. 9th 2001. Christmas was an empty shell that year. We are still ttc but feeling very hopeless. Hope and hoplessness take their turns in our life. Faith and weakness abound. I have had to surrender my hopes and dreams to God's perfect will. I have had to surrender my ability to become pregnant and have healthy full-term babies. I feel a sadness and defeat in my life right now but I know that in time hope will return. Our biggest struggle right now is at what point to our prayers for another child make a difference? At what point does our petition influence the intention of God? Once during a time of great grieving the Lord possed this question, " Annetta, what will you do if I take them all?, everyone of your living children and Leo too?" my heart answered immediately, "Lord, I will worship you, if all that is left of me is dry bones, then my bones will cry out to worship you" Wow that blew me away. I knew that at that point that I could make it through anything with the help of the Lord. I would be a pathetic mess , but I would be alive. LOL Thank yo for listening to my novelette and please keep us in your prayers.
Love, Annetta
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