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Trying To Live Again
Sep 15, 2002

Hi, my name is Barb, and on sept 6, 1981 I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, a perfectly healthy baby girl. On the morning of Oct 2, 1981 just 3 weeks later, I found her or rather my 3 1//2 year old daughter came to me and said "Mommy, Jaime's face is dirty. I ran in my bedroom where I kept her bassenette in front of my bed and she had a tiny drop of blood by her nose and a perfectly round black and blue mark, the size of a quarter on her forehead. I quickly picked her up and she felt like soft clay. she was ice cold and must've passed in her sleep hours before. I ran to the phone, called my Mom, who in turn called 911. The next thing I remember was being in the hospital, and just asking "how"? Why did this happen? The doctors told me it was suddden infant death syndrome (SIDS) After 9 years of marriage my husband and I seperated right after that (maybe 1 month later. Both of us feeling that we were each a reminder of her. Instead of being supportive for each other, we both took to alcohol for him, and perscription drugs for me. The pain was more then I wanted to be alive for. I moved back home to my parents home, because with the state of mind I was in I doubt I could've cared for my 3 1/2 yr. old on my own. I just wanted to sleep and not face reality. 2 yrs later I went into a drug and alcohol facility and stayed clean and sober for almost 19 years. Just when I thought I was going to be given a second chance at caring for a baby to love (my daughter, who was then 20, was pregnant!) being unmarried, at first I was devastated) she was in her 2nd year of college and I hadn't raised her to be promiscuous. As soon as I faced the fact that we were going to have this baby, I began preparing a beautiful nursery, buying all the things that a baby would need, and was actually getting very excited about this little boy (we found out) she was going to have. Being 10 days overdue, she came to me that morning and said "Mom, I haven't felt the baby move since yesterday". The day before this, we went to the obstetrician, and he noticed that the baby was having trouble breathing. He gave my daughter some oxygen, and seeing that it helped the baby breath better, sent her home! Bells went off in my head, thinking, shes 10 days overdue, why don't they just either induce labor or giver her a ceserean"? But, ignorantly thinking, "well, he's the dr. he must know what hes doing, we left and went home. The next day, we went back to the dr. and our 8 pound 9 ounce perfectly healthy baby had died of strangulation in my daughter's cord. All I could think of was " dear God, not again!!!!" After all of those years of being clean and sober, I've relapsed, with not only drugs but with alcohol and I can't seem to pull out of this. I'm physically addicted to perscription drugs (zanex, and wine) and right now I'm trying to detox myself, get back to AA meetings and start to try to live again. If not for myself, then for my daughter, who is my whole life.I can see the disappointment in her daily for whats happened to me, and I have to realize that this time its happened to her and I have to be there for her. The world doesn't revolve around me and my pain.Well, thank you all for letting me vent. Barb,(Jennifer and Jaime's Mom, and Shane's grandma)
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