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"His" Time, Not Mine
Sep 06, 2002

Note: contains minor graphic details

My dh and I got married in February 1993 (9.5 years ago). We met in high school, but didn't start dating until the summer following our graduation. It took time and personal growth for both of us before we finally made the commitment to marry for life (11 years after our first date). We decided to enjoy married life for a few years before ttc. Once pregnant, family and friends rejoiced with us and we welcomed our son in December 1995. With the announcement of both events (marriage & pregnancy) the most common statement people made was: IT'S ABOUT TIME.

After five years of putting our all into our ds, we decided it was time to expand our family again. Everything took place like clock work the first time, so we didn't think this trip would be any different. We shared the exciting news with our ds, other family members and friends. At 10.5 weeks, I started experiencing light bleeding the day before a business trip, but thought nothing of it. The following day, I flew to Cleveland and settled into my hotel room for the night. There the bleeding was again as I prepared for bed. My first thought was to cancel the trip and head home. However, I rationalized that this trip was my first major undertaking since my recent promotion, so I'd better stick it out. The following morning the bleeding was gone, so I breathed a sigh of relief and left for my all day meetings. When I checked things out in the ladies room at lunch, all was well. After a plant tour and up/down stairs, I felt as though something wasn't right within. I checked myself prior to the mad dash for an afternoon flight and saw the return of blood. Four of us were in one rental car enroute to the airport. We were pressed for time and everyone wanted to make the last flight out. Instead of asking the (male) driver to drop me off directly at the gate, I went on with the gang to the rental car drop-off and boarded the bus for airport return. As I jogged to the gate, I felt hot and faint, but I kept on going. Once back at home, I called my dr. who told me to rest because I might be threatening a miscarriage. Those words freaked me out, so I immediately got in bed that Friday night, sent my son up(stairs) to my mother and waited for my dh to return from work. We decided that night on the name "Grace" because we felt that God's "Grace" was sufficient for us during this ordeal. I had light spotting all weekend, so I didn't do much but relax and keep my feet elevated. I was on my mother's living room couch late that Sunday night when I felt the need to go to the bathroom. Once I sat down in there, it felt like something uncommon was trying to escape my body. A small blood clot dropped, but my muscles immediately prevented anything else from slipping through and I left the bathroom saying "something is not right." I called my dh, who was only ten minutes from the house. He had a friend in the car, but we rushed to the ER of a nearby hospital. The triage nurse was nonchalant and the waiting room was full. We paged my dr., who advised us to go to another hospital 20 minutes away, where she would meet us. We arrived safely (although dh used some "innovative" driving techniques) and were rushed to a room for tests. It's a blur to me now, but it seems the equipment was outdated and unable to give good reads. The bleeding had stopped, so my dr. advised us to wait until Tuesday (Monday was a holiday) when better tests could be run in her primary hospital a few miles away. That sounded reasonable, so home we went, only to rush to the primary hospital ten hours later accompanied by severe cramping. My dr. had gone out of town, so the attending physician started with an ultrasound. I think she stared at that screen for ten minutes before she told us things didn't look right. At that point, I began to feel something running down my legs and looked in horror at my dh who told me it was blood. The dr. went onto say I was experiencing a miscarriage. As dh and I began to cry, the dr. made sure I was comfortable and left the room. She returned after a few minutes, but had to leave again since I couldn't stop crying. Some time later she returned along with the primary dr. who explained a miscarriage in greater detail. "It was a fluke of nature" and "miscarriage is the body's way of rejecting a deformity" were two of her statements that still send a chill up/down my spine. They left and I cried some more. After I got dressed, there was a knock at the door followed by a nun who came to pray with us. I told her my major concern right then was how to tell our ds that he wouldn't have a sibling that July. She prayed a very, sweet prayer that brought more tears and she was gone as quickly as an angel. When the attending dr. returned, I explained that a woman was in labor next door (thin walls) and I couldn't take it. She quickly gave me a prescription, along with written instructions, told us to stay positive and said good-bye. After eight days of grieving, coupled with a house move, I returned to work. I couldn't understand why God allowed the miscarriage to happen, but refused to give up.

In December of 2001, we found out we were expecting again. I asked dh not to tell anyone for a while. I made plans to take a medical leave from my job when I was 10 weeks to protect myself against a second miscarriage. At 11 weeks, I began bleeding lightly and freaked out. I couldn't reach my dr., but was told by an attending physician to get off my feet and take it easy. One week later I was still lightly bleeding...cramps followed, but then subsided and ended. I was at 12 weeks and kept thinking, "if we can just hold on a little bit longer everything will be alright." A few days later I felt those agonizing cramps return. I called my sister over to babysit and dh and I were off to the hospital again. As usual, my dr. was unavailable, so the attending physician asked questions and wheeled me in for an u/s. She stated that a mass was on the screen, but she couldn't tell what it was. She went and got more equipment, returned and proceeded to extract the mass (without telling me anything). A few minutes later she told me I should feel better soon (physically). I asked her why, and she told me b/c I had miscarried and she removed the tissue. I was LIVID!!! How dare she remove anything without advising me IN ADVANCE of what was going on. Again, I cried in dh's arms not just for the loss of "Angel," but the loss of professionalism and self-respect. I was in a daze as dh accepted another prescription and escorted me out of the room and hospital.

I cried for days with the second loss. Other than my dh, no one seemed to understand -- not even my mother (who pushed out five kids like a pro) nor my "best" friend (who coached me through the birth of my son, and had two of her own). I was in no hurry to return to work, therefore, I waited until I felt led to return, knowing my manager had shared the news with all 30 co-workers of mine. After seven weeks (and a call from HR wondering why I needed so much time off), I returned to work. My return wasn't as bad as my imagination conjured it up to be. (I've since changed from the doctor who was soooo difficult to locate.)

Through it all, I kept asking God what was His will. No matter how I resisted, He continually took me back to I Thes. 5:18: "In EVERYTHING give thanks, for this is the WILL OF GOD in Christ Jesus concerning you." Through many days of tears and pain from our losses, I repeated that scripture to myself. Those words brought healing like nothing else. I know that God loves me and has my best interest at heart. Therefore, I will trust him no matter what circumstances come my way. These miscarriages are working together for my good -- I may not understand it now, but as I continue to trust God and do His will (give thanks in everything) I will come to know why I had to go this way.

I now see that God allows my dh and I to take a while to accomplish our desires, but it all comes together beautifully at His appointed time. God is sovereign and my statement has become: IT'S ABOUT "HIS" TIME, NOT MINE. He WILL make everything beautiful in His time.

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