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I Will Never Forget My Angel Baby!
Aug 29, 2002
My husband and I had started trying to get pregnant the first part of June. I found out I was pregnant on July 16th. I was 4 days late and decided to take a Home Pregnancy Test..I really didn't think it would be positive but was hoping. So I waited a few minutes and then looked at the test and the line was so faint that I almost missed it...then my world suddenly went out of control...lol...I had so many emotions all at once that I didn't know what to do. So I called my friend Chris and told her. She knew we had been trying and she was worried that maybe I had let the test sit too long...Anyway she told me to get my butt up to where she works. My husband called me from work before I left the house and I told him that I couldn't wait and that I had taken the HPT and that it came out positive. But that the line was really faint. He told me not to get my hopes up. After I got off the phone with him, I left to go see Chris and on the way stopped and picked up 2 more HPT's. When I got there, I took another test. I didn't even look at it..I let her and her boss look at it and sure enough it was another light pink line.. So she called my docs office for me and handed me the phone. I asked for a blood test to determine if I was pregnant or not..they said if I would come in they would give me a slip of paper to take to the lab to have my blood drawn. We went and ate lunch. Then came time for me to go have my blood drawn. I asked them how long it takes to get the test back and she said that it would take an hour. And for me to find out the results I had to go to another office and sign a release form saying it was ok for me to get my results. Well for that hour I went back to Chris' office and wrung my hands..I think at one point Chris thought I was gonna pass out...She kept asking me if I was ok...At this point I have no idea what I was thinking...I was afraid it was gonna be negative...Now it is time for me to go get the results and Chris is practically throwing me out the door. She told me to hurry back because she wanted to know. I went up to the office I was supposed to go to and signed the slip of paper I needed to sign to get my results..They printed it out and handed me the paper...All I saw was POSITIVE. And I asked her, "Does this mean I am?" And she took the paper and smiled and said yes.
I was dumbfounded...shocked..I was in a daze walking out of the office. Then as I got to the elevator, I started smiling like a fool and tears welled up in my eyes...I was so excited! I drove back to Chris' office and she asked me if I was and I just handed her the slip of paper and had tears in my eyes...she looked at it and started screaming and gave me a big hug and told me congratulations...we were gonna be pregnant together...She was 4 months ahead of me. On the way home I stopped by the store and bought 2 baby bibs. When I got home I paged my husband at work...when he called back I told him that I was pregnant and he asked me if I was lying...lol...He thought I was trying to mess with him...and I told him that I had the blood test done to prove it...after I got off the phone with him I started calling my friends...I called my mom...she was so excited she was finally going to be a grandma...she said it was about time...when I told my brother he actually said "It's about damn time. I thought Dustin didn't have it in him." (my husband and I have been together for 9 years, married for almost 6) And he had to tell his friend right away. He was on his cell phone and stopped one of his friends just to tell him...he was so excited! That night after my husband got home from work we ate dinner and went out to his parents house to tell them...He told them that they were gonna have another grandchild running around because he got me knocked up...lol..isn't that just the way you tell your folks your gonna have a baby...They were really excited! This was gonna be our first child and everything was falling into place for us. I had some pregnancy symptoms, sore breasts, hungry and thirsty all the time, tiredness...but no m/s.... I called my doctors office and had made an appointment before I left Chris' office. They got me in 3 days later...My husband went with me to the doctors office and I was 4 weeks and 2 days and my due date was March 27,2003. They gave us a bag full of pamplets and magazines and a baby bag full of stuff....I had to go take the usual blood work and everything was fine.... I felt good over the next 2 weeks....I was so excited...I started reading to my baby even though the ears hadn't formed yet...I talked to him and sang to him.....those were the happiest days of my life...
Then 2 days before my 7th week started on Monday night, I started spotting...I was a little worried at first but I knew that for some women that is normal...it wasn't bright red blood and I was feeling ok so I just let it go...but then I decided to call my doc's office and let them know I was spotting and see what they said about it..They told me not to stay on my feet for long periods of time, to avoid sex, (which was not a problem because I didn't want it at all!!) not to lift anything heavy, to basically just watch it and make sure it doesn't get bright red or increase...and if it did to go to the ER if they weren't open. So I did just as they said and as the days went by I was still spotting...mainly just when I went to the bathroom and there would be blood on the toilet paper...just light pink and watery at first but then it got a little darker...so by Friday I was really worried and called my doctors office again...the Nurse Practitioner was out of the office and my doctor is on medical leave...the doctor on call was in delivery so they just told me to go to the ER...I got ready and went to the ER...I told them what was going on and they took me back to a room and the doctor examined me and said there was some blood but it didn't look like anything to really be worried about...then he said that they were gonna give me some medication, it was standard to give it to all pregnant patients who come in for bleeding....so I took the medication and they had an u/s done...at first there was nothing and I was worried and she must have sensed that I was because she told me that she wasn't looking for the baby yet...and then I saw him! The most precious site ever! I was afraid going in to have it done that I wouldn't see a heartbeat! But there it was! It was beating so fast! So strong! So I relaxed after that...she couldn't really tell me anything but I asked a few questions that she was able to answer and then we were off to the other room again...they had to send the u/s pics to the radiologist to have them read. The doctor came back in and told me that it was hard to determine the age and that they didnt think i was as far along as I thought because they couldn't tell if there was a heartbeat or not...I told him that I saw the heartbeat and that it was strong and that the stonographer (I guess that is what they are called) saw it and said it was strong...and he relaxed and said that it made him feel better that we were able to see the heartbeat...he told me that my HCG levels were normal but a little on the lower side....they released me after a little while and told me to pretty much stay in bed all weekend and to take it easy...while we were there I started having what I thought was gas pains, so I didn't think to tell them about them...now I wish I had....now I realize that that is when I started to miscarry, I just didn't realize it...we left and went to eat and then went on home....
I called to let Chris know that I was back and that the baby was fine...she wasn't home so I just told her husband...shortly after I got off the phone with him...I felt like I had to go to the bathroom, I passed a blood clot and that scared me...so I called my doctors office and told them...they patched me through to the doctor on call because it was about 9:40 at night...and I told him what was going on and that I had been to the ER earlier and that I wasn't sure if I needed to go back...and I told him that we saw the Heartbeat and he told me to just rest and take it easy...he didn't seem concerned that I had just passed a blood clot..I had no cramping at that point so he said that since we saw the heartbeat that I had a 70% chance to continue with the pregnancy...after I got off the phone with him I was still upset but feeling a little better...I laid down and my husband laid down with me and we started talking and I told him that I was scared...that I was really afraid that we were gonna lose the baby...and he told me that if we did that we would try again...I told him it's not that I don't want to have another baby but that I really wanted this one!!! He said he did too!! And I got up to go put a pad on just in case and felt like I needed to have a b/m and when I sat down I felt my baby slip from me...I told my husband to bring me my glasses because I passed another one...but I knew deep down that it was our baby....and when I wiped there was alot more blood...so I knew...and when I looked I just lost it...my husband just held me and said that I didn't know...but you know...you know ...I knew...I think he did too...he saw it and he was just trying to calm me...I finally got myself pulled together somewhat and we went back to the ER.
I had my baby with me...in a plastic container...I didn't want to part with my baby even then but I had to show them and let them know...I told them that i had passed some tissue and the lady took one look at it and said you sure did...and then she rushed me back to the room...she had put me in a wheelchair and I was trying so hard not to cry but I couldn't keep from it...she was such a nice lady...she had been there when we were there earlier and as we had left, she asked how the baby was...and I had told her the baby was fine and that we saw the heartbeat....when the doctor came in he told me "It looks like fetal tissue...(pause)...I'm not gonna beat around the bush, It was fetal tissue." I wanted to scream at him "FETAL TISSUE!!! FETAL TISSUE??? THAT WAS MY BABY!!!!!" But I just told him that I already knew that...He told me that he was gonna examine me and make sure I had passed all the tissue and blah blah blah....then he left the room...and I could hear the nurses and doctors in the hall laughing...how can anyone laugh when my world has just fallen apart!!! I started to cry after the doctor left...I was able to hold it together while he was in the room but I couldn't any longer so I just let the tears flow...my husband came over and held me and told me everything would be ok...I could tell he was really upset too but he held it together for me...because he knew i needed him...All I could think of was how am i going to tell everyone one that I had lost my child? I didn't want to tell anyone!! Dustin said he would tell them...They gave me pain medicine...they wanted to give me morphine but I wouldn't let them...I just told them I wanted tylenol...they gave me tylenol with codine...I didn't want anything that strong and that I didn't want anything that would make me loopy...I told this to the nurse;when I told her I didn't want morhpine, that I wasn't hurting that badly, she said "Some people are just whimps.." and then she just laughed... I wanted to rip her hair out...you could tell that she had never been through anything like that...and I pray that she doesn't...or she wouldn't have refered to anyone as a whimp...the ER doctor came back in and tried to joke around with me...maybe that is his way but it just made me feel like I am just another patient that he wanted to get in and out of there and that he could care less about my situation. They finally released me and we went and had the prescription that he gave me for pain filled and then went home...My diagnosis? A Complete Abortion.
We went to bed and just held each other and we both cried...Cried for our baby, our lost dreams, and everything we were going to miss out on with this baby. Cried for our family and how this would hurt them. My husband told me that he was more sad for me and for his parents than he was for himself...he said that he had tried to not get real excited about our baby because he was afraid this would happen...but he had started to get excited...I could see the changes in him...and I told him that I had had a feeling that something wasn't quite right...that I was afraid I would miscarry too ...even before I began spotting...but I had tried to push the thoughts out of my head...we cried ourselves to sleep....the next day we told our family...I called my mom and told her..called to tell my aunt and my cousin answered...my aunt was at work and my cousin asked what was wrong...I told her and then all she wanted to do was talk about how she has to have a C-section because her baby is breach....then she told me that I could have another child and asked me if I was stressed because stress will make you miscarry...I told her that I wasn't under any stress..but I was a little worried...The only time I was stressed was the day I miscarried...She kept asking me that over and over like I was lying...I so wanted to scream at her!!! How dare she throw her baby in my face like that!! Dustin went out to his parents house to tell them...I told him I would go with him but he wanted me to stay in bed and rest and that he would do it...He can't talk to me about that without getting upset...but he did tell me that he could barely get it out...his mom and dad wanted to come see me but he told them that they shouldn't come over that day...which I am greatful for because I didn't feel up to seeing anyone....Dustin's brother called earlier in the day and he told him what had happened...the next few days all I did was cry and I was cramping badly...
I remember waking up that Sat morning and crying...I did the same Sunday...I woke up thinking I was still pregnant and then realized what had happened and cried....
I had to go back to the doctor's office on Monday...they wanted to do a check up on me...I had to go through the u/s again and it was so hard...I was hoping but I knew there was no baby...then they confirmed my worst fears...they seemed suprised that the ER didn't do a follow up u/s when I went back in after losing my baby. It was so hard walking back into that doctors office and seeing the pregnant women...I just wanted to cry.
It has now been 2 weeks and 2 days since I lost my angel...and it is hard knowing that I will never hold my baby in my arms in this life...I am dealing with it in the best way I know how...some days I am fine and other days I feel my world starting to spin out of control again. I cry and cry....Sometimes I can even laugh and smile...and then sometimes I feel guilty for even that....They are still monitoring my HCG levels...I was told that if they didn't come down that I would probably have to have a D&C done but they have came down. The last time I had it done it was at 7.35 and so I have to have it done at least one more time..it has to be at 0.
I feel like my baby was a little boy...I have no idea why I feel he was but I do. Is it mother's intuition? Who knows..
My husband and I are thinking about starting to try again in Oct. but I feel guilty...I cannot ever replace my angel and I wouldn't dare dream to try...but I do want to have a family... I do not know if I can do this again...I don't even know if I can put myself through that again. There are times that I feel like I did something wrong...Like God is punishing me by taking my baby away from me...but then I think about my child being with Jesus...and I smile....I never would have wished for my child to have to live with some terrible disease to where he had to suffer through his life...I don't know what happened or why I lost my baby...but thinking that maybe God spared my child from having to live a life of pain and suffering...that gives me comfort. I guess I will never know until I see my baby again...and I will see my baby again!! But make no mistake about it I am grateful for every moment that I had my baby with me! Even though losing my baby was the most devistating thing I have ever had to endure..I wouldn't change the fact that I was pregnant. I just wish the outcome would have been alot better...but who am I to question God? He knows what he is doing, I just have to be patient and see. I know this is long and if you have made it this far I thank you for reading this...It has been very therapeutic for me. I keep a journal that I write in and print out poems to put in there for my angel...and it makes me feel better. I am enduring and I will move on...but I will never forget my all too brief time with my angel baby!!
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