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It Is An Honor To Know Sarah
May 29, 2002

On February 8th I was out to dinner with several girlfriends from work as I was about to embark on a new position with the organization that would take me off site and not allow me to see them as often. I suspected I was pregnant, but I was six days away from AF, so I knew I'd have to wait.

On February 9th I couldn't take the wait anymore. I was at a hair appointment and decided on my way home to pick up a HPT. My husband was out for the day at a gambling boat casino for a friend's pre-wedding party. I took the test just to prove to myself that it would be negative. It was positive. I whirled around my house in awe. I had scheduled to visit my mother-in-law that afternoon and I couldn't even tell her because I hadn't seen my husband yet. When he finally arrived home I had just gotten out of the shower and he came upstairs to reveal the $3000 he won at the casino. He doesn't even gamble really, he just took his chance at a slot machine and it paid off. He was so excited and of course was thinking of nothing else. I told him that I had interesting and exciting news of my own. I proceeded to tell him of our good fortune and he held me and cried. It was one of the most precious moments in my life. And....we had nursery money.

The next day, we went to my parents because I always visit my mother on February 10th which is the day that her own mother passed almost 20 years ago. I thought of waiting to announce our news, but decided to bring my mother some joy on this day that has for years been shrouded in sadness. I couldn't hold it in for even 10 minutes. I told both of my parents while my father was mid-sentence in something else. We all held eachother and cried. On the way home we stopped by my mother-in-law's house and told her. What a fun day it was.

On February 18th I was off work for President's Day and went shopping because I was already feeling swollen and I was starting a new job so I didn't want to announce my pregnancy right away. I needed a new wardrobe that would hide the pregnancy for a few months but allow me to simply claim that I was changing my look from tailored to a more urban retro look. While shopping, I found myself humming little tunes and talking to the baby. I felt so maternal. I also felt tired like I'd never felt before and just didn't feel right. I went home and forced myself to entertain my in-laws. After that I laid down to take a nap. Upon waking I noticed some brown spotting. I ran downstairs to my husband and told him I thought I was losing the baby. We just cried the rest of the night. The next day I went to the Dr., where upon examination it appeared that the blood was old and cervical. The cervix was closed. They took my blood levels that day and again two days later. They were normal, but on the low side of normal and hadn't quite doubled, but almost. The O.B. nurse thought that everything looked fine. So...I went on my merry way.

I went for my 8 week check-up and it was found that my uterus was normal shape and size for that time. I told her (a new doctor) about the bleeding incident several weeks earlier. She decided to schedule an ultrasound at 11 weeks just to make sure everything was fine. That date was April 1st.

I took my ultrasound day off work. I was so excited to see my baby!! I went and purchased a new pair of shoes and wore a new outfit to the appointment because I was anticipating a celebratory lunch with my husband.

In the ultrasound room, the technician turned on the machine and went past a black void. I figured it might be my bladder. It wasn't. I asked after several minutes where the baby was, to which she responded, "I don't see a definite baby." I just looked at my husband and the most precious moment passed between us. It's something that I still can't articulate, but there was so much sorrow and love between us at that moment that we couldn't help but to grow in love. At the same time, I felt shrouded with love. I knew it was the hand of God comforting me. I'd never felt so much peace. It seemed an eternity before the ultrasound was over. Once it was, I was escorted into a different room with my husband to consult with one of the Dr.s of the practice -- mine wasn't in that week. He explained very sensitively about the statistics of miscarriage and we reviewed my options. I chose to go home and wait for my body to naturally abort the pregnancy instead of having the d&c. I waited 9 days and couldn't take it anymore. I had the d&c.

It's been over a month since my surgery. My diagnosis is a blighted ovum. There was never a baby medically, but I know otherwise. I've had good days and bad. I remember the day that I found out I wouldn't be having a baby was beautiful. It was the first sign of Spring. I remember my husband and I counting our blessings and realizing how much worse everything could be. I remember the day of the surgery and how scared my husband was to see me so vulnerable in the hands of others. I'll always remember...the pain, the sadness, the love, the comfort, the eventual laughter, and now the hope. The hope to try again and the faith that we will succeed.

In the meantime, I speak to my daughter Sarah every day. I feel her presense at night sometimes. It's like breath on my cheek. She will always be a part of me and I feel so honored that I was chosen to know her.

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