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Five Tiny Names - (Part Two)
Jan 15, 2003

"Five Tiny Names Engraved on My Heart" (Part Two)

I was searching for answers, but not finding any. I did not know where to turn. I felt so alone. No one seemed to understand. My marriage with Ted was in shambles. We went to a counselor; she helped me tremendously but Ted was angry and unwilling to listen. He turned to drinking to deal with the pain. I turned to God. I met a wonderful pastor that helped me so much. Her name was Rev. Ann. She too had lost three babies before their birth. She was very strong and very understanding. She told me it was okay to miss my babies... it was okay to love them and grieve for them. She told me it was okay to be angry with God, and to bring the anger to Him and He would forgive me. She told me that God too had lost a son, and He knew the pain of having lost a child. She told me that God had a special plan for everyone, and we here on earth can only see bits and pieces of His plan, but in Heaven God can see the whole of the plan, and that is why we cannot understand. She told me there was a reason for the loss of my babies and someday I would understand. Rev. Ann helped me so much, and somehow, someway, I found the courage to try once again. I prayed for strength and courage from God, and somehow it was granted to me. However, the focus of my prayers had changed. I no longer prayed I would give birth to a baby, but that if it were in God's plan, I would have a baby to hold and love. With the use of Clomid, I had conceived my fifth child. Once again, my prayers had been answered.
A torrent of feelings hit me when the home pregnancy test was positive, joy--- for the hope of new baby, fear- because I may lose this baby, too, and terror--- because I did not know how much more sorrow I could endure. My doctor confirmed the pregnancy and told me everything looked great so far... I struggled greatly with this pregnancy with bonding. I feared to bond with this baby, for fear I would lose her too. The best way was not to think about it. I totally devoted myself to my son and my nephews. My world became three little boys. I spent my time with my son, my nephews, being a wife and going to church and I tried not to think of my pregnancy very much. I was going through the motions, but trying not to feel at all. Then when I wasnt far along, my mother had to have surgery. On the day of the scheduled surgery, I started spotting and went straight to the emergency room. The doctor said it looked like another miscarriage, but to go home and take it easy and wait. I went home to be put on bedrest and felt incredible pain in thinking I was about to miscarry another baby. But by the grace of God, the baby survived. Four more weeks of heavy bleeding and cramping, then I had an ultrasound which showed a healthy, growing baby. In the same room where I found out that my Caleb had died, I saw my little daughter for the first time! The rest of the pregnancy was very stormy.... cramping, unexplained bleeding, vomitting.... I would sometimes vomit as much as six times a day.... I got varicose veins and my feet swelled, but thankfully, my daughter made it through! And in late October 1998, she was born, weighing 7 pounds 10 ounces and a week overdue. We named her Ashley (not her real name). When I held her for the first time, I realized how much I loved her, and that I never truly 'believed' I would actually have a baby to hold this time, after having lost Caleb. I looked into her midnight blue eyes, and I saw a part of Caleb in her face and his sweet reflection in those eyes, for he grew in my womb before she did, and I know he was there in the room the day she was born, calming me and taking away the pain for I felt his presence so strong. I know he is her angel, and he watches over her cause she is a little daredevil and needs a special angel to keep her safe.
I left Ted when Ashley was very little. I had tried to make my marriage work, but his drinking had grown worse, and I feared it would affect the children. In early October 2000, the children and I set off for our new life together. I did not have plans to find another man. I just never thought it would happen. Thank God I was wrong.
I was divorced from Ted in April of 2001, and four days later I met Shaymus (not his real name). We took it very slow at first but by August I realized it was becoming serious--- we were married in early April 2002, almost one year from the date we had met. He is such a wonderful and romantic man; I cannot express to you just how happy we are! He is so good to the children--- they both just adore him. I finally had what I had always dreamed of, a wonderful man, two beautiful kids, what more could we want? Right from the beginning, we knew in our hearts we wanted a child together to make our family complete. I had told him all about my past losses, but he said it didn't matter, he loved me no matter what and he wanted all our dreams to come true. We had so much happiness, I thought all our dreams would come true.
My doctor had told me we would not need Clomid, cause all the medicines I was taking would raise my hormones. (Now I think that was wrong) We had been together one year as a couple when we decided to try for a baby. Almost immediately, I discovered I was pregnant! I took it as a great sign. Right away we started to plan what life would be like with our baby, we talked about the baby all the time, and what we would name him or her. We decided on the name Shaylee for a girl, because the name had special meaning to us. We were so happy, and so were Jason and Ashley--- but it wasn't to be. In late Ocober I began spotting, and the doctor said I was miscarrying. We were devestated. On Oct. 28, 2002, we lost our Shaylee. Less than a week later, I had an anxiety attack and Shaymus took me to the hospital. A blood test there came back very strange. They told me to come back in a few days for another test. A second test confirmed it; I was pregnant again!!! A miracle had taken place, as I had miscarried Shaylee, I conceived once again, and a new baby was alive and growing within my body! We were in shock... we hadn't even had time to mourn Shaylee's loss. I had an ultrasound and got to see my baby's tiny sac. All looked well, but my doctor warned the baby might not make it, since it was conceived directly after I miscarried. I had so much hope that it would... even though I had undergone tremendous loss. Shaymus and I talked and daydreamed about our baby...naming our child Lakotah. I wrote a poem to Lakotah, telling my baby of my love and my hopes for him or her, and mentioning my fears of having to say goodbye. In my heart, I felt he was a little boy. I imagined him with expressive dark eyes, like his daddy. My bond was growing with my baby, and I was dreaming of the summer, when he would be born and I could cuddle him close. But once again.... tragedy struck.... just before Thanksgiving 2002, my doctor called with the news, my hcg levels had dropped and I was about to have another miscarriage. I was given a terrible choice once again: try to miscarry naturally or have another D & C. I waited a few days, but wasn't showing signs of miscarriage and feared another hemmorhage, so on December 6, 2002, I had a third D & C, and I lost a fifth baby on the same date I lost my first baby nine years before that. My heart was broken. The heavy weight of my loss sometimes consumes me with grief.
I now struggle with my pain and so many feelings: I feel cheated, sad, angry, lonely, defeated, and at times so very unwomanly. It is so unfair--- I am a strong person, I have had so much faith, Why me? why again? Right now I need so much encouragement and support from family and friends as somehow, someway I summon the courage and the strength to try once again. It isn't easy and sometimes I feel very very alone. In one week, I go to see a specialist and hope he can help me find success. We plan to give it one more try, and if it is not successful, we hope to adopt. Adoption isn't easy, it takes much time and we are not well off financially, so I pray it all works out. It is so hard for me right now, cause I feel no one is here for me, they seem to have turned away, they don't want to talk about this pain I am in, they say things which hurt me terribly. I will pray they will see how their words hurt and how I need their support. God gave me the desire to be a mother, God alone knows my love for my babies (all of them), God can give me strength and courage to try for the dreams in my heart....
Thank you for reading my story.....

By the one with five tiny names engraved on her heart,
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