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My Change of Heart
Dec 29, 2002

My change of heart

My husband and I had no plans for children in the near future. We always put that in the "someday" box. We were very focused on other things. I had struggled a long time with female problems that for many years interfered with our physical relationship together. After adding some counseling to our regime, I truly began to heal. It was a blessing just for us to be able to be together physically after all those years. Having a baby was far from our plans....we still needed to go back and be "newlyweds" since we had never done that.

In early May 2002, I began to worry when my period was late. I never suspected pregnancy until that moment. A home test came up negative, but I just knew. I called my family doctor the next day for a blood test. It was positive. My husband and I reacted with much shock. We were scared, yet each happy too. We were frustrated with the timing though. My happiness would easily give over to fear and anxiety. I actually cried the day after finding out. I said to my husband "What if I get attached to the idea of being pregnant and then have a miscarriage just as I am happy about it?" He reassured me that everything would be OK. I actually put that thought of miscarriage out of my mind then. I never even worried about it.

By mid May, I was very happy to be pregnant and was able to recognize it as a celebration of the healing of my female issues. I didn't have an OB doctor at the time, so when I selected a clinic and called for an appt they didn't schedule me until I was to be 9 or 10 weeks. I didn't like waiting so long, but I dealt with it. I was scheduled to see the Nurse Practitioner for an initial exam on June 13th. When she did the pelvic exam, she found a fair amount of brown blood internally. I hadn't started bleeding or anything, so I was suprised. She even assured me that everything else seemed good & that it may have been implantation bleeding that never came out. She sent me for a same day ultrasound "just for peace of mind". She didn't appear to even think anything was wrong. When I went for the scan though, the tech never said a word. My husband and I could see the baby on the monitor, but heard no heartbeat. The tech didn't comment on it, but we both knew it was odd to not hear it. Then the tech told me to get dressed and said a doctor needed to talk to us about the scan. I figured it was a formality, but I did notice some bright red blood on the end of the scan probe when the tech removed it. That scared me. I had not been assigned a doctor yet, so the tech just got the only one available. He had to come in and tell us that the ultrasound was not good. He said that I was supposed to be nearly 11 weeks, but the baby only measured 8 and had no detectable heartbeat. He tried to be gentle about it, but how do you tell someone that? He then told me that since I was already beginning to bleed that a miscarriage was inevitable. He told me it was best for my body to do this naturally if possible and sent me home with a list of symptoms to come to the ER with if they happened. The next few days were full of shock and tears. We had just recently gotten comfortable enough to tell people openly about the pregnancy. Now we had scads of people to tell this sad news to. The miscarriage seemed to progress agonizingly slow. However, three days later, things got very bad and my husband had to take me to the ER in the middle of the night. I had an emergency D & C.

When I awoke from surgery (June 16th, Fathers day), I was emotionally numb. I had a hard time expressing emotions once it was over. I cried on and off, but mostly over other triggers. I really never had a good grief cry. After a few weeks passed, I guess I began to push the grief back into the deep recesses of my mind. I didn't talk much about it to anyone because I felt so unsupported, even my husband & mother were changing the subject or appearing obviously uncomfortable when I talked about it. In early November, I had left a job I was miserable at. That gave me time on my hands and the grief started attempting to come up. It would only come so far though, my mind would be flooded with thoughts, and I felt as if I was literally physically choking on my grief. After several days of feeling this way and being unable to sleep or think of much else, & having nobody to talk to, I called our marriage counselor & scheduled an individual appt to talk with him. I already knew him for a year at that point, and this didn't feel like a time that I would want to try to see someone new, so I went to him. That was the best thing I did for myself. I have been for 5 sessions individually now, and we are just taking a 3 week break over the holidays and will resume in January. I can't say enough about counseling. I have been able to be supported there, and to have my feelings affirmed & validated. Someone to encourage me to evaluate them and to really "feel" them, not just talk about them as if reading from a piece of paper. He has been my Godsend. My husband was supportive of my going and has noticed many positive changes in many areas of my life as a result. It has even inspired him to go individually and work on some of his own issues. I am thrilled about this, because it will make not only our marriage better, but it will make us better parents when God does bless us with a child.

Given that our pregnancy was not planned, we have not been in any hurry to get pregnant again. Our precious baby, Arin Bryce did however awaken a desire in us to be parents. In 11 short weeks that baby changed our hearts forever. We have recently been talking about trying for another baby in the summer or fall of 2003. In the meantime, I will continue to heal through counseling. My due date was January 5th, next week, so I have that to get through. Then I want to begin to work on the fears of a future pregnancy with my counselor. Hopefully through that I will be in the right place emotionally to try for a child in 2003. I am placing it in God's capable hands-his Grace is sufficient!
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