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My Little Scooter
Dec 28, 2002

I lost my baby at 8-1/2 weeks. I had spotting on the weekend but read that this could be normal and decided to wait it out. The next day I had heavier bleeding and knew something was very wrong. On Monday, I went to the hospital and had an ultrasound. Our baby had died 2 weeks earlier. As if on command, hours later my body began to let go of my little baby, and I passed it the next morning after a long night of painful cramping and pacing the house. I was really affected by the fact I had to flush my baby down the toilet...why hadn't anyone prepared me for that? It seemed so gross and inappropriate, yet I knew I had to toughen up and do it because I couldn't change the fact it was dead. My husband held me and reminded me that the little sac I saw no longer held our baby...his little soul was long gone. As defensive as I am these days, it was surpringsly comforting to hear that. After a week off work, I felt better through the Christmas holiday but now 3 days after Christmas, I am falling apart. I know 2003 will be better, but I have to hang on until then. I bought a little stained glass and mortar stepping stone in the shape of a heart for "Scooter" to put in my garden. I will plant forget-me-nots around it. I consider myself to be a mother, even though I have no children in my arms at age 32. I have been told twice that it was "God's plan" to lose the baby, but, being a Christian woman, I admit I have problems with this philosophy, and this made me VERY angry, as the women who said this have not gone through miscarriage. Instead, I believe that God gave us his Son so we will never be alone through NATURAL things like this in the world that He created. The fact that something wasn't quite right and that this was a natural process is the only thing keeping me going right now. I do not believe that God pointed me out and took the life inside of me away. I do know that God is with me and my husband now, even through the yukky ugly parts when I feel like throwing in the towel and crying all day and eating until I burst. I know that we can try again when we are ready, but I have to endure the insensitive remarks by people who think we should try tomorrow and make this all go away. It will never go away completely, and I'm fine with that. I hope this is helpful to someone out there...I can't really say I've been through this yet, but I can say I am going through this, and you are not alone. They will tell you that this is common, but don't let them minimize your feelings this way. Yes, this is common, but this was YOUR child that you loved and talked to and held within you. God is with you and people like me are praying for you, whether you believe or not...it doesn't matter. Tonight I will light a candle for you and perhaps shed some tears for your little angel as well as my little Scooter. I miss him very much and will always love him. Nobody can take that away from me. God bless you and comfort you and know that this gal is thinking of you.
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