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Hurt Beyond Measure
Dec 12, 2002

Me and my husband were elatedly expecting our first child (and my parents' first grandchild). I have had so much death in my family, it was about time to have some new life, new energy. So our child was just that. I enjoyed being pregnant! Every discomfort, every ache was fine with me. It was a part of one of the most long-awaited experiences of my life. I took as good of care of myself as I possibly knew how to. I ate well, I exercised (with clearance from my obstetrician), I took daily naps (at least 1 hour or more a day), and I avoided stress. During my first ultrasound, we found out we were having a son. Me and my son bonded. He was my buddy. My partner in everything. But deep down inside I know how disappointing life can be and has been. I've always had hardships in the past. Bad luck, as I've taught myself to refer to it. So I've learned never to get too excited about anything. There's a good side but there's also a not-so-good side to everything. So the thought of possibly losing my baby always remained buried within me. However, I was forcing myself to think "positively". On October 27, 2002, at about 1:00am, at 22 weeks gestational pregnancy, we lost our son. The obstetrician said that I have an incompetent cervix; and that I was already 3cm dilated. The amniotic sac was protruding through the cervix and fluid was leaking. WHAT!! Was all that was going through my mind. My poor husband was not handling the news well at all. So I had to remain strong and focused to keep him calm. After going back and forth with the obstetrician about various options to save our pregnancy (none which sounded promising or reassuring), we decided to induce labor. Our son stayed with us for about 2 hours, then passed away. Due to surgical procedures I had to have subsequent to this loss, we we unable to bury our son, Braxton Jeremiah, until December 7.
The pain and anger that I'm experiencing is overwhelming. So much so that I'm having a hard time expressing anything at all. I want to be able to scream at something and/or someone and tell it to "kiss my ass!!". I've had so much loss in my life I honestly thought that the pregnancy represented a turnaround. A sign that all of my hardship and hard work has paid off. But now I feel that it was only a setup for a huge letdown. My faith in life is destroyed! It took my son from me, from my husband. It has hurt me beyond anything it has ever done before. There is no hope. I hope for nothing. I ask life for nothing except to leave me alone. I'm still in a bit of a state of shock. I thought I deserved better. I don't do drugs. I don't smoke. I take care of myself and my health. I'm a giving, loving, supportive person, yet I always seem to get dumped on. This is like the final straw for me. Things have sunk to a new low that I couldn't have ever imagined. What's next? Life is going to take my beautiful husband away, too? I need something good to happen for me. I need to know that I'm just as deserving as the next person for happiness and joy. I'm tired of having to fight for everything. My husband and I even had to fight the doctors in the hospital just so that I could be treated kindly. I'm running out of steam. I miss my son. Although we'll try again, my hopes will not be nearly as high as they were the first time.

Thank you for listening.
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