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Sad, Mad, and Confused
Dec 12, 2002
SAD,MAD & CONFUSED.......
Well I'm 21 and I just had a m/c on Oct. 25 2002. It's been almost 2 months and I'm still having the hardest time getting through this. I was 9 weeks when I lost my baby. This would have been my first. One minute your life starts to change. You have a thousand of thoughts going throug your mind, is it a girl/boy, names, clothes, etc. You start to plan for your little one and the life ahead of you. Then within a matter of hours it's all taken from you. All of a sudden your life can go back to the way it was. Even if the baby wasn't planned. What a horible exprerience. Not only to lose a life inside of you that you created but to go through the pain and knowing that when you were bleeding & cramping that it's your baby coming out of you. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. However I still don't feel any better. I'm tired of feeling this way. It's like nothing is going right. I know what needs to change, however I don't have the motivation or determination anymore. There's times when I dont' want to wake up. On top of the m/c, I'm not working, My boyfriend and I fight all the time. My living situation sucks. My boyfriend and I are trying to save up to get a place. In the meantime were living with my uncle and his friends. So there's a house full. My boyfriend and I both are going through some difficult times but instead of helping eachother, it's like were only making things worse. I feel like I'm driving him away from me. I know I'm not easy to be around right now. See before I lost my baby I used to be so upbeat, happy and just fun to be around. Now I feel like such a drag. All I do is complain about everything little thing, cry and fight with my boyfriend. I think we take are anger out on eachother. I don't want to do that anymore. I used to be able to handle my anger and I used to be strong. Now I over react and make big scenes. Then I will wake up the next day and think how stupid I was for taking out all my frustration out on the person I love and who is trying to be their for me. He's being patient and I know it's not easy for him. I just want to make our relationship better. So we can be happier with one another. I appreciate you taking the time to hear me out. I had alot to say and still do. I just needed to vent. Theirs alot going on but somehow I know everything will work out. It crazy because when you have a miscarriage you feel so alone. It's like you have no one to talk too. Everyone thinks that you just get over it and you don't. This will live with all of us forever. Know wonder why they call this silent grief, because you alomost grieve alone. I wish the best of luck to those of you who have lost someone. We will get by. Thank You!!!
Our Little Angel 10/25/02
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