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Searching for Hope
Dec 09, 2002

I hardly know where to begin. Anyone reading this knows the feelings and confusion.

I just lost my child yesterday and came to this web-site in search of hope and comfort. I have been a christian for many years now and it just doesn't get all that much easier to go through pain. Sometimes it makes it harder I think because we feel that we should have some kind of special protection or exemption from what the world endures. I don't think we feel that way to be arrogant or because we think we are better than anyone else, it's just taking Grace for granted. It's a subconscious thing. We know so well the healing power that God has and maybe even have seen miracles (I have)and just presume it will always be that way. Yesterday was my wake up call to the fact that sometimes He just knows and does different than what I desired and planned.
I was eight weeks pregnant and last Wednesday had an ultrasound that showed my precious child with a strong heartbeat and tiny limbs. I was spotting a little and everyone kept telling me things were fine and it was normal. In my gut I knew it wasn't. By Friday, it was getting heavier and the cramping was getting tough. They said it was just my cyst and it would go away over time. By Saturday I knew differently as the bleeding was like a light period. I went to the E.R. and they said everything was ok, my cervix was closed and the bleeding was stopped. Ofcourse it hadn't because I used the bathroom and there it was. i went home and on Sunday the cramps were horrible, I passed a clot, then another and in several hours my baby was gone. I have one child already who is 2. I think I'm holding him even tighter now.
I want to be in denial, I yelled at God and told Him He was not truthful. I told Him He was mean and cruel and that I don't trust Him. Already I've told Him I still need Him. It's hard. I don't have a victory story yet because I still need to figure out how I'm going to begin greiving. I never thought this would be a part of my life. To all of you who know this pain I wish I could just hold you now and say I know, I've been there too. To those of you who have been here and are further in healing I wish I could hear some of your insights. May God Bless everyone dealing with loss and comfort us through His Holy Spirit as only He knows how. I do know one thing, my baby is in Heaven right now touching the face of God and basking in His Glory. I'm jealous and wished that I had been allowed to hold my baby first but it is better and an honor for God to be first.
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