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Will the Pain Ever End?
Nov 23, 2002

It's been three years today since I lost my second child to a miscarriage. I've lost two children. The first "my daughter Taylor" died on May 13,1999. My second child "my son Cory" died on November 23, 1999, about 6 months apart. Every since I can remember my only dream in life was to be a father. In late Feb early March my then wife Stephanie and I had been trying to get pregnant for 11 months. One day she came home from work and told me that she felt pregnant. I remember not knowing what to think. She asked me to go and get her a home pregnancy test. I don't recall the trip to Walmart, however I do recall the enternity that Stephanie spent in the bathroom. When she finally emerged, she had the face of an angel. At that moment before she said anything I knew what the test said. I was thrilled. I was gonna be a daddy. I immediatly took her to the doctor for confirmation. To our joy the doctor told us she was about two weeks pregnant. Then next couple of months were wonderful. All I could think about was my precious baby. I even talked Stephanie into letting me set up the nursery when she was about a month and a half along. We talked about names and everything. The first thing I bought for my baby was a little white bib that said I love my Daddy in pink lettering and a pair of pink booties. (I knew in my heart we were having a girl.) I cannot recall a time in my life where I have ever felt so happy. I felt complete. Nothing could bring me down I was finally a daddy. Almost every night I would fall asleep with my head on Stephanie's stomach just hoping to feel the baby move or hear a heartbeat. Then on May 13 Stephanie called me from work to let me know that she felt something was wrong. She said she was bleeding. I was terrified. I called the doctor and he agreed to meet us at the emergancy room. We arrived at the E.R. at about 9:30 pm. Dr. Bray suggested an internal ultrasound after being unable to locate a heartbeat. Me having never see an ultrasound before thought everything was ok. I was sure I saw my baby's face in that ultrasound. Dr. Bray just look at Stephanie and I and shook his head and said "I'm sorry but your baby is dead" Time froze for me. I looked down at Stephanie and I could tell she was just as shocked as I was. Dr. Bray explained to us that Stephanie had was was called a blighted ovum. Basically your pregancy has everything but a fetus. He told us that we could have a DNC now or wait until the morning. Stephanie and I looked at each other and we knew we could not go home and sleep knowing that our child, our angel was gone. We decided to proceded with the surgury. The whole operation lasted 45 minutes. While Stephanie was in the operating room. I called my father and begged him and my mother to come be with me. They said no. They told me I needed to be with my wife. I was terrified. It was the first time in my life that I felt truly alone. My baby gone, my wife in surgury, and my parents didnt care. I was so angry that I hung up on my father and cried in the arms of the nurse. Stephanie woke up as the were wheeling her into her room. She looked up at me with tears in her eyes and said "Why did they take our baby" I broke out into tears again. Stephanie and I sat there for at least two hours crying over our child. Stephanie has a son from her previous marriage. He is 6 now. His name is Shane. All I could think of is that this is my fault, Stephanie is fine, she has already had Shane. What did I do wrong? Am I such an awful person that I dont deserve to be a father. It was the worst time in my life. The very hardest thing for us to do was go home and pack away the nursery. I cried the whole time. I use to sit in the nursery after it was packed away and hold the booties and bib I bought for our daughter and just cry and cry and cry. My world was over. At the beginning of November of the same year Stephanie discovered that she was pregnant again. We were convinced this time we would do everything right and nothing would take our baby. When Stephanie was pregnant with Taylor we were not married. My parents being Catholic told us that was God's way of punishing us for having premaratial sex. Taylor died on May 13 1999, Stephanie and I were married on May 21 1999, Exactly one week later. We were married this time, there was no reason why God should take our child. On the night of Novemeber 22 1999, Stephanie felt something was wrong again. Once again we were off the the emergancy room. The doctors could find nothing wrong. The next day Stephanie was schedule for a laborascopy. Its an explority surgury. The doctor makes an incision in the belly button and three incision along the pelvic bone. Then the stick a camera inside your stomach. We arrived at the hospital at 7am on the 23 like we were instructed to. It was the morning before Thanksgiving. I was hopeful that everything would be fine. It wasnt. When the Dr came in to start Stephanie's IV she started crying and begged me not to let them do this to her. She told me she wanted to go home. She said she would rather die then lose another baby. This was devasting for me. I had to spend the better part of an hour convincing her to let the doctor do the surgury. I had to be brave for my wife. As soon as the took Stephanie to the O.R. I turned to the Dr and begged him to let me go in there with her. I told him I would stand in the very corner he wouldnt even know I was there. He wouldnt let me. I begged and begged and he said no. This surgury also lasted about 45 minutes. The doctor came to tell me that Stephanie's pregnancy was in her left tube and there was no way to save our baby. He had to remove the baby, however he was able to save the tube. I guess we were lucky. That's what he said. All I could think was how lucky is it to lose two children within 6 months. When Stephanie awoke she looked at me a cried and said Dont say anything I know they took him. I can see it in your face. All I could do was cry and kiss her forehead, We ended up falling asleep holding each other in the hospital bed. I havent been able to celebrate Thanksgiving since. It's been three years to the day since I lost my son. Alot has happened in those three years. Stephanie and I divorced and no live in seperate states. I dont hate her and she says she doesnt hate me. We just couldnt save our marriage. There was too much hurt. We werent strong enough. She is currently seeing a man named Jamie. They have been together for close to 2 years. She has had at least 2 more miscarriges since our children. I on the other hand have not had any children or even a "pregnancy scare". I havent been able to have a relationship with anyone for longer than 3 months since Stephanie and I divorced. And here I sit 3 years to the day at 2:33 in the morning crying,listeing to the song Fly by Celine Dion sounded by candelight mourning my children. Wondering if I'll ever have a child I can keep. Over the past 3 years the pain hasnt gotten any better its just gotten easier to deal with. I only cry when I see a child that would be about my children's age, or on the anniversary of their deaths. I also wonder how Stephanie is feeling. Does she still mourn. Is it wrong for me to mourn this long. If it is I dont know what to do. I cant stop. There hasnt been a day in the last three years that I havent wondered what my children would look like. Would they be potty trained yet? Would they be healthy and happy? Would I be a good Daddy? Will the pain ever end? These are the things I think I will always wonder until the day I die.
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