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How Do I Move On?
Nov 14, 2002

I had an easy first pregnancy at 37 years old. I now have a beautiful 4 year old daughter. When I became pregnant again last year, I was estatic. I assumed I would have the same problem-free- pregnancy as before. At nine weeks, I started to spot. I was with my daughter at her gymnastics class, and mentioned it to a few mothers. They tried to reassure me with their own stories of spotting during pregnancy, but I did not feel this was "just spotting". When I got home, I called my husband home from work. I left my daughter with my husband and went to the hospital. In the Ultrasound waiting room, I was surrounded by pregnant women, obviously at a "happy" stage of the pregnancy, in for routine ultrasounds. As I sat there, I felt cramping and grew more and more scared.

I finally had my ultrasound. The tech would not comment on what she saw, made a few ominous "mmmm"s, and called for the doctor.

I waited in the waiting room for twenty minutes, and, again surrounded by happy new mothers, I started to shake. I held back, but then started to cry. I remember seeing a young girl -8 or 9- on a gurney waiting for her test, and I started to cry on her behalf -not knowing her situation, but crying for a child's plight, crying for the human condition, then crying out of my own fear.

My doctor appeared. She led me to an office. She told me that the fetus had not developed past 6 weeks, and I was miscarrying. My miscarriage lasted three weeks, through Christmas, and I was so surprised by how long it took. I thought a miscarriage lasted a day or two. At a follow-up visit, my husband asked the doctor how she could tell if I had ever really been pregnant. I think he thought I was pretending. My doctor assured him that the blood test verified my pregnancy.I cried through Christmas. I cried through New Years. I am still crying now.

I had become pregnant after the dye-in-the-ovaries nightmare. I then went through all the infertility stuff -- blood tests, pills, injections,...always waiting for my husband to "do his thing" and give a sperm sample, A year and a half since we had our first fertility appointment, when he said he would provide his sperm, he has yet to do it. I finally confronted him about it and he said he never wanted another child.

I have spent a year and a half trying to get pregnant, and feeling frustrated and resentful toward my husband for not doing his part, particularly when I had undergone so much treatment. Suddenly, I have to face my husband's not wanting to, his never wanting to, his pretending to want to. I now have to face the fact I will never have another child, when that is what I have been working toward for so long. I made the mistake of telling my daughter early on when I was pregnant...then had to explain about how her baby sister (she insists "sister") is an angel now. She still asks questions like "Can my baby angel sister see me through the ceiling?"

I miss that lttle child. She never came to be. I cannot do anything about it, and I have to learn to accept my situation. But it is so hard. Sorry this is such a long entry. I have never told anyone the whole experience. How do I move on?
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