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It Hurts So Much
Nov 07, 2002

My story is nothing of great significance, but the loss and emptiness I feel is so overwhelming that it often feels as though I could drown in it.

It was our first pregnancy and one that was met with an element of trepidation and initial fear. My fiancee and I were scared and shared many nights of tears and thoughts of "Can we do it?"

According to my doctors calculations, I was around 10 weeks pregnant.

I woke up on a sunny morning and found that I was slightly spotting. I didnt want to overreact so I just decided to keep an eye on it, but my fiancee was not so willing. We phoned the hospital and spoke to a lovely elderly midwife who reassured us that a little spotting was nothing to worry about.

So I dressed and went to work. After returning from my lunch break, I visited the bathroom and found I was practically flooding myself with blood. In hysterics, I went to my supervisor and advising of my impending nightmare.

After a long wait in fear in the emergency room in hospital, I was finally seen too, but was sent home with orders to rest and keep an eye on the bleeding.

After being up every 30 mins all through the night to change a pad (I was bleeding so heavily I could only wear a maternity pad for 30 mins before it required changing), I was back to the emergency ward at 6.30am. By now I had severe cramps and was passing extremely large 'clots' of tissue.

After several internal examinations, an ultrasound and a line-up of doctors decided that the baby had been lost, but that I was retaining much of the tissue and forming placenta in my uterus.

A few hours later I was undergoing a curet to remove the excess tissue.

Although my story has no great significance and has no dramatic twist, I feel the loss so deeply it seems to reside in my bones.

The thoughts of "what did I do wrong?", "Will it always turn out like this?" and "Will I ever carry a healthy baby full term?" constantly pass through my mind and the tears dont seem to stop.

It hurts so much.
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