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One Day I Will Hold A Baby!
Feb 26, 2002

My husband and I have been trying to conceive for 6 years now and we had started to see a fertility doctor about 1 year ago. We had tried one drug first to see if it would help me ovulate but it did not work. So after quite a few months we moved on to trying another drug to drop my hormone levels and another to enlarge my eggs so that they would drop. After 3 months of trying that we got "that call" that we all loved to hear that we were pregnant. I remember telling my nurse at the clinic that it was the best Christmas present that I could ever receive (found out on December 10/01). I had a lot of side effects from the medication that left me in bed for 4 weeks including sweeling and pain due to hiper stimulation. I was told to get complete bed rest to ensure I would not have to have surgery to untwist my over grown ovary. Things were starting to get better by New Years and I was talking to the baby everyday to tell it how loved it was and how much it was going to be loved. We went for our first ultrasound on January 4/02 and everything was good I found out that I was 7 weeks 4 days pregnant and that the baby was due on August 23/02. The doctor had told us the baby looked good and it's heart rate was 132 bpm. We went home so happy and excited. As the next few weeks went on things were getting better and better and we both were talking about how great it was going to be to finally have the baby we always wanted. Our next ultrasound appointment was booked for January 24/02 (our 10 week ultrasound). The both of us had gone to the appointment so excited to see the baby and get a new picture that would show more. Once we got into the room the doctor's assistant started the ultrasound and she explained that she would do all of the messuring and then she would give us the tour. I could tell from her face that something was not quite right. She then told be to go empty my bladder and we would do an enternal exam. So when I got back from the bathroom my husband had told me that she went to speak to the doctor while I was gone. I knew that something wasn't right, I was thinking maybe twins or that there was something wrong with the baby. When she returned she had the doctor with her and she started the exam. I could tell by the doctor's face that something was wrong so I asked "is everything alright?". The doctor said I am afraid not the baby has no heartbeat and it stopped growing at 8 weeks. My world crashed down around me and I was in complete shock. I had no idea, I felt no different and I had no bleeding no cramping...nothing. After a couple of weeks my doctor had scheduled me in to have a D & C done. That day was the day that I felt so empty and alone (Feb 8/02). I remember coming out of the hospital feeling lost and alone. I have gone through shock, disappointment, anger, depression and the big feeling of "WHY DID THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN?". I can not believe how much you bond with something you have never held or seen. I loved that baby as though I had held it and loved it for years even though it had only been just over a month of knowing it was there. Every morning I wake up I don't know if I am going to have a good day or a bad one, it seems as though there are way to many of the bad ones and not enough of the good ones. I believe that one day I will be holding my first child and thanking god that I have the chance to be a Mother. That day can not come quick enough for me. I have been told that we can start the drugs after my first cycle which should be coming in about 4-6 weeks. I have all of the faith in the world that day will come to hear "your pregnant" and I will be able to hold that child in my arms and love it for the rest of my life. Here is a little poem I had found on a web page and it touched my heart.
Thank you for reading my story and I know that I can say I am also sorry for your loss.
God bless all of you and your families.

Angel Wings
A precious angel slipped away, no one heard a cry.
No time for Dad and Mommy to sing me lullabies.
My time with you was much too short. I had to leave too soon,
But love had joined us as I grew inside my Mommy's womb.
It wove it's way within our hearts, in all our hopes and dreams,
Until the very purest love became my tiny wings.
Although I could not stay with you, I knew right from the start,
That once you felt your angel's love, you'd keep me in your hearts.
I'm just a little angel but my time was not in vain.
As dark clouds that surround you give way unto the sun,
My precious parents you will see that any heart will sing,
If only for a moment it is brushed by angel wings.
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