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Angels All Around
Oct 07, 2002

I have been overweight my entire life, & when my husband & I decided we would start trying to conceive, I lost 38 pounds for my future child. We were both so excited when we found out I was pregnant. Our first try was a charm. On September 13th at 10pm, I was cramping & spotting. My husband took me to the ER & one of the doctors from my OBGYN facility was on call. He did an ultra sound but couldn't see anything. Due to the lack of night shift we had to come back the next morning for a pelvic ultrasound. Saturday morning we arrived, they started the ultra sound & I new we had lost the baby. I was 7 1/2 weeks along, but the baby past at 6 weeks. The doctor told my husband & I that we would have to wait until Monday before we could do anything, & that we should go home & be with one another. We did that, but that night my cramping became VERY intense. I couldn't stop crying & I called the same doctor who was still in the ER on call. He told me to "Take a motrin & try to sleep, we can't do anything until Monday." I believed him & trusted him. I finally passed out due to the intensity of the pain. I awoke on Sunday morning & was now bleeding. The pain was worse & I could no longer move my legs. When I called my doctor, the same one, he asked me "Why didn't you call me last night?" Was that supposed to make me feel dumb? As if this was my fault that I was being tortured by my own body? On HIS advice I did what he said. I took that motrin & tried to sleep & now he has the audacity to ask why I didn't call? Had he slept while on call that weekend? Did he even remember who I was or what had happened to me? The cramping & bleeding became to much for me. I could not walk & my sister called 911. The ambulance came and the men who got me were angels & I thank God for them. They rushed me to the hospital, where I had to wait 2 hours for pain medication because my doctor who was expecting me was at a different hospital. Another doctor from the same OBGYN office was supposed to come see me & he arrived 5 minutes shy of the regular doctor. They gave me morphine for the pain, but it didn't scratch the surface. 5 hours later I had my emergency D&C. I woke up, went home & I am so upset I do not know what to do. Before I lost the baby, around 4 weeks pregnant, I had a dream that the baby came to me & told me he wasn't ready to be on earth yet & asked me to not be mad. I told him it was OK & that my husband & I would wait for him. Two days after that dream, I had another dream that I was holding a baby in a blue blanket. I could feel the weight of a baby, but when I went to look at the baby's face, the blanket was empty. Looking back, I was given a gift to see my future child & let him go. That is what has helped me get through this. Knowing he wasn't ready to be here. What makes it all worse is how I was treated by my doctors. I feel like I was being pushed aside. My body still hurts, I hurt, but I will be OK. One day at a time. My husband & I are looking forward to trying again & pray for something better.
Thank you for letting me rant & rave. It hurts inside but healing is the process. I am just grateful I had my dreams & saw the face of that little boy. I do believe angels are all around & we will all get better in time. To all the other women who have gone through this, my heart is with you all.
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