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Miscarriage Is A Lonely Road To Travel
Feb 16, 2002

Hi my name is sarah. i am 24 years old and i have a wonderful 5 year old son and a terrific fiance (my son's father) On Halloween of 2000 i told my fiance and son that we were going to have a baby. we were all very excited and my son wanted a little sister to play with. my first pregnancy with my son went extremly well. i felt great the whole time. this pregnancy seemed different. i was so tired all of the time, but i also worked a physically demanding job at a nursing home, so i thought that was the cause. i also had a lot of nausea, which i never had with my son. i went to the dr and she said all was fine, so i thought no more about it. then about 2 weeks before christmas, i started bleeding a little, dark at first then it turned bright red. i would stop and start. i was home alone with my son while dave was at work. it was a saturday ( i remember this all very well.) i called dave at work and asked him what he thought we should do. inside i was very scared. we decided for me to call a nursing hotline for our area and see what a nurse suggested. needless to say she wasn't very nice and even asked me if the baby was wanted. she told me that my symptoms were normal, but since i was "so worried" she would have a doctor on call call me back. i never got the call, and i kept bleeding and then i started to get cramps. so i called my doctor on monday morning and went in for an appointment. she could not get a heartbeat on the baby, but now that i look back i do think it was strange that she kept telling me that miscarriages were a normal part of life. then she sent me to a specialist who did a vaginal ultrasound and right there in black and white was the little heart not beating at all. dave and i were crying and dr left us alone to discuss the options. i later found out that the baby had been deceased for 5-6 weeks and my body didn't react to it. so i had a dnc done 10 days before christmas. it was so hard to be around people everywhere i went. especially seeing baby clothes in the stores. the hospital held a rememberance ceremony, but dave would not go with me. he never wants to discuss our baby. i think about the baby everyday and wonder what he/she would have been like. the baby would have been born on june 21, 2001. that was our first son's due date but only in 1996. i'm too afraid to try again and i am so sick of people telling me to get over it and that it was never a baby to begin with. i get so depressed around the holidays now. all i have left is a little gold ring that was given to me at the hospital. and when i did have the dnc done, i had to go alone and i cried the whole time. dave had to be home with our son. thank god i had a sensitive nurse to be with me. she was a godsend. the rest of the staff didn't have a very good beside manner at all. it was a very scary and lonely experience for me. but i cannot seem to find any support groups to help me deal with this issue. everyone just wants me to get over it. i haven't talked with anyone about the loss of my baby since about a year ago. i'm just desparatly searching for some type of closure. thank you for allowing me to share my story. this in itself is therapy and dedicated to all the moms out there like me. may God be with you all
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