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Our Angels
Sep 23, 2002

Our Angels.

I am writing this in the hope of finding some peace.

My husband and I have been married for two years, this is my second marriage, and I have three children from my first,Michael 20 years, Karley 16 years and Kiara 12 years. We have been on the I.V.F. programme because of previous surgery. We have had two miscarriages the first on 31st December 2001, and one on the 5th September 2002.

The first pregnancy was after the first egg collection, a great result considering the pregnancy rate is about 20% to begin with.
At my age of 40 that was fantastic, I felt such unbelievable love and absolute happiness to share this with my husband who is my world. We then found out that my pregnancy hormone was low indicating something was wrong, but we still held on for this baby was made from love, and we both so badly wanted this precious little one. I had an ultrasound and there was no heartbeat seen so we were told to wait a week in case it was to early, that was torture we felt the world had justed stopped, the second ultrasound this time found two sacs, one with no heartbeat, and one with a strong heartbeat, I cried on the table I felt immense pain and happiness all at once, but our elation was short lived when just one more week later another ultrasound revealed our baby had died. This was at 10am, by 1.30pm that same day I was in hospital losing our much loved and wanted baby. Life meant nothing to me at that time, part of me wanted to keep my baby but I knew what had to be done. Nothing anybody said consoled me, and I didn't care either, I had lost my baby and that is all I cared about, people would say "you have other children", as if to say that baby is less important than my other children, quite the opposite, that baby was a commitment and a gesture of love for my husband and I, and we imagined our life with our new baby the happiness she would bring, and yes the baby was a girl we found out later. We have again been on I.V.F. fell pregnant first time and the exact same thing has happened, we lost this little one just over two weeks ago,why is this happening? The doctors don't know, and we need some sort of answer or reason, as your whole being is consumed with this pain, and I feel so cheated and lost, and wonder how we can get on with our lives forever feeling this constant sorrow deep in our hearts.
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