Even Death is a Blessing
Sep 20, 2002
My husband and i were recently married, after being together for 3 years. We unexpectedly on pregnant the morning after our amazing wedding. Though not planned, we were really excited to become new parents. we both , shamefully i admit, had less then stellar contraceptive histories, and it was truly a miracle that we never got pregnant before. We saw this as truly a miracle and gift. I was not so great for the first trimester, sick alot, on the couch, spotting all the way through. But at 7 weeks we heard an amazingly strong and wonderful heartbeat.
We started thinking of names , and i had been reading every book ever published. two other friends had become pregnant at the same time( literally the same weekend!!..
But at 11 weeks, i had been spotting more and the dr. ordered a ultrasound, and there was not heartbeat, no movement. What made this harder was not feeling the moment it died. I keep asking myself: When you did leave? I was never even aware of your departure. No crippling cramps, No torrential river of blood. Still, now,days, weeks after hearing the news, my body won’t let you go. I wander from room to room looking for something, confused as to what to do with myself. All these emotions bouncing back and forth. I can say all things that one says to make sense of these situations: ”it wasn’t time”, “god and nature have another plan”, “it is very common, “ “many couples go through it” I actually believe it; we knew the possibilities were very high that this may not take. But know in the moment, all those “rationales” are hard to remember. I don’t blame myself. As I know many people are worried that I might. It just feels so unreal. The pregnancy felt unreal- and now that the little soul is gone, that too feels unreal.
I was unable to get a D & C for another week, so i carried around this dead fetus for a week, truth be told it may have been dead for weeks already, it felt morbid. Made the grief harder.
My body is still pregnant- the hormones are raging, the thirst, hunger, and exhaustion. All very real, now coupled with a depression, a very real physical depression. I don’t want to ask for a medication though, too easy. I want to feel this sadness. I want to understand how to move on as myself, not some doped up, evened out version of myself.
Now I am recouperating, trying to feel okay all that i am feeling, which is a roller coaster. I believe that the m/c was as much a blessing as it was to be pregnant. My husband and i learned so much about each other, what we want. I also learned i am not in control of the bigger picture, nature and god have other plans for us, honor those plans , and move forward.
If this fetus was sick, nature took it back to care for it. I thank the universe, god, whomever, that we had the time we had, we now know we can get pregnant, and if something was not right it corrected it.
I include a poem . I love and helps me to cope , no matter what the problem.
This being human is a guesthouse
every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
Still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.