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My Angel Baby
Sep 20, 2002

In March of this year, my daughter lost her battle with a head trauma. A couple of months later, I found out I was pregnant and I was so elated. At the end of July I had my first ultrasound. Although, I was almost 10 weeks pregnant. I was horrified to not see a heartbeat on my baby. I was totally devasted that such another loss could occur, I underwent a D&C on the 5th of August and officially "miscarried" Jason Seth. I imagined the baby to be a boy and was encouraged to name him. Although, I never held him in my arms I will forever hold him in my heart. How many more losses do I have to go through before there is any peace. All I can do is cry all day every day. Will this ever end?
Here is a poem I wrote for Jason.

My Angel Baby

Have you ever wondered when a baby dies, where it goes to live?
Have you ever wondered when a baby in the womb dies what happens?
Have you wondered when a baby dies who holds it tightly and loves it?

When a baby dies it goes to heaven in the loving arms of God and Jesus
I cry tears of sorrow and of my loss, however, just knowing that you, my baby, are
in the arms of angels and cuddled in the warmth of their love brings some comfort.

We never got to meet or say hello to one another nor did I get to hold
you in my arms and love you and I will miss that for the rest of my life,
I know you are in a better place and you will be happy and peaceful.

I want you to know that I love you and I am sorry I could not bring you
into the world to live with us. I want you to know my little angel you were
loved from the day I knew I was pregnant with you and Iíll cry for you daily.

My heart died a little with you and my soul will bleed forever for you, just
knowing that Iíll never hold you close to my breast or count your toes and
fingers one by one is enough to feel enough sorrow for a life time and more.

I will always wonder if you were going to be a girl or a boy, if you would have
brown hair and eyes like your daddy or like me, your mommy. I will never know
your laughter or cry, Iíll only know now I have a baby angel above me, watching.

I never wanted you to go away, I wanted you to stay and be my baby but God
said ďNoĒ and called you back baby to be with him some more. To play in his
garden and bring laughter and joy to his courtyard, God now has you in his arms.

I will always love you and I will always miss you even though we never got the
chance to fall in love with each other and touch for the first time or set eyes on one
another for even a short period of time. Iíll love and miss you for the rest of my life.

your mommy

In the angels arms may you rest peacefully Jason, my beautiful baby boy! |mommy|
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