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Will The Sadness Ever Go Away?
Jan 29, 2002

I will start by telling you a little bit about me. I am 35 years old, I have two living children age 14 and 9 on the First of February. I have been married 3 years but Dear Hubby is the father of my youngest child. I didn't realize this was important until I saw the ob/gyn. I guess that indicates that we are compatible to have children together. We started trying to get pregnant the day we got married. We threw away birth control and left caution to the wind. No charting, no pressure, just no prevention. Pregnancy illuded us until the 30th of November of the last year. We were so excited, as we believed our dreams were coming true. We told the world we were pregnant, and had not been to see the dr. except for the confirmation from the lab that we were pregnant. December 12th we began to bleed, I knew that this wasn't normal as I am a nurse and I did call the dr. That was the beginning of our waiting game. December 18th we were told the pregnancy was going to end in miscarriage, and the choice was to wait until after Christmas to do a D&C. I guess I have good faith in those that I trust with my health care needs and wasn't concerned about the surgical part of the D&C. My life was flooded with questions about right to life, and whether or not I was acting with in God's will. I did go through with the D&C. I had a follow up with my Dr. a week later. Well that appointment fell on the same day as my first prenatal appointment. I tried so hard to be happy, and jovial, however, the Dr. saw right through my jokes and my laughter, and I left the appointment in tears, some of sadness, some of hope, some of grief, and some of the future. The dr. told me to wait until the bleeding stopped and then we could begin our quest for pregnancy again. Well that has finally happened, and so anxious to know what happened she (Dr.) had asked that I wait until the first of March, if I wasn't pregnant by then, she would refer me to the ob/gyn, well wrong answer I didn't wait. January 18th I sought my own ob/gyn, he said the same thing that the MD had said...Nothing wrong with you go home and try to conceive a baby. He was a terrific Dr. He included dh in the whole process, he began the appointment with prayer (I was Impressed), and asked dh to stay for the pelvic exam, in a sense that seemed to make dear hubby more a part of the process. It amazed me that he was never asked how he was doing, or how he felt, the medical community focused on me and my mental health but dh was kind of left on his own to deal with his grief. The ob/gyn was going to do some blood tests, but said they were not necessary we just needed to go home and try to get pg. Well we did, and ovulation has occured, and now the waiting is once again occuring. I wish I could find some sort of sign at 7dpo, that indicated pg. I do have all the signs of pg, but they are also the same signs of impending period. My breast are hurting, I am occasionally nauseated, and I have some cramping going on along with a back ache..Even more scarey is that those same signs were the signs of the m/c. I read somewhere that only 25 percent of actual correct timing occur in a pregnancy, and many pregnancy end before the realization of a pregnancy happens...I am just a bundle of nerves, and can't concentrate on the things I need to concentrate on like my school work (I am completeing my Bachelors in nursing), my children, my husband, and my work....I would just as soon retreet back to my cacoon, and have the world leave me alone. I have made some positive steps to help with pregancy..I am a big girl and have been on a mission to eat right and excerisie I have lost 18 pounds and that feels great, but I am very tired, I have done a fairly good job at quitting smoking, I am not able to complete kick the habit but am doing better, I walk everyday, which certainly helps with mental health...However, I seem to cycle through periods of depression. Yesterday was an awful day, I thought maybe I could escape without it hurting so much but I didn't yesterday was the one month aniversary from my D&C. I found myself as emotional as I was the day after....Will this grief ever get better...Will I ever again laugh, a whole heartfelt laugh, and see the joys in the small things in life such as a flower opening, or will I forever be stuck in this roller coaster ride of sadness.
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