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The Pain In My Heart
Sep 17, 2002

After months of trying to concieve, my husband and I finally got our baby. We were so excited, we started picking names and thinking about what our baby would look like. Thinking about things like green eyes or brown eyes. what kind of hair the baby would have. Telling our friends and family members about the new addition. a little over a month later the cramping started. A trip to the ER showed that my HCG levels were good, and the doctor reassured me that this too shall pass. two days later the bleeding. Back to the doctor where they did the internal ultrasound and said that it was ectopic and I would need surgery. Since I only have half of my reproductive organs, you can imagine what kind of panic the thought of surgery instilled. Then the bleeding stopped for two days. Blood tests, and more ultrasounds, they know nothing and send me home for the weekend with no answers only to wait for Monday and more tests... Sunday morning the bleeding only worsened and my final trip to the ER ended in a very unkind nurse, and one very busy doctor telling me that my journey as a mother was now over, take these pills to stop the bleeding and this painkiller to stop the pain. Well I found the painkiller only makes me feel like even more of a zombie and it's not killing the pain in my heart. I cannot stop thinking about the color of the baby's eyes, or the color of the baby's hair. I cannot stop crying. I don't know how to go back to work and act like nothing is wrong. Where do I go from this point and become a productive member of society again when all I want to do is stay in my house, and figure out how to make another baby. Helpless...
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