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Two Perfect Little Babies
Sep 13, 2002

I went for my us today. First thing when she put that thing on belly dh goes "looks like twins." The tech turned to him smiling "yes, they are twins!" . As she scanned more to check on the babies none of them had heartbeats. The tech was looking and looking and I got really nervous as I couldn't see them either. I know what it looked like with my son. Anyway, the tech asked me how far along I was again and I told her 13 weeks. Well, one baby measured 9 weeks and the other 8.5 weeks. We still couldn't find the heart beats, none of them. The babies have died at around that time they measured. I had to go for another us to the hospital to confirm that there were no heartbeats. And there weren't. I couldn't stop crying since then. Isn't that ironic how one minute I find out that I am having twins and start to cry happy tears and the next I find out that my babies aren't alive and I cry because of my loss? I cannot even put in words how I feel. I am scheduled for an D&C tomorrow morning. I am totally devastated I keep telling myself that I will wake up and all that will be just a bad dream. I don't know how I will do tomorrow but I just cannot imagine. I feel like someone punched me in my stomach and left a big empty hole in it. I know that everything happens for a reason and I also know if those babies couldn't survive then they couldn't and it is natures way of getting rid of what can't be alive. I saw those babies lying there in my uterus totally innocent one next to another. They called them Twin A and twin B. These thoughts are in my head all the time I can't seem to catch a breath. It just hurts so damn much!

I have no cramps or bleeding or anything unusual and that I actually saw 2 perfect little bodies makes it even harder because I can't get the picture out of my head and me looking for those heartbeats that I so wanted to be there.
I was so happy to come home today and hug my 20 month old son. I don't know what or where I'd be without him. He gives me hope to go on and he makes me realize AGAIN how precious life is and what's really important in life.

I need a whole bunch of strength to go thru this.
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