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Derek Nathaniel Brings Hope
Dec 22, 2002

Everyone on here is struggling with some sort of loss. I've found comfort in reading other's stories and wanted to add mine. Maybe it can help someone else or give comfort to someone who has been there and realize that they are not alone.

I'm a teacher. I've always loved and valued children. Each child is so special and unique and complicated. I like to watch them the first few weeks of school and learn what makes them tick. I teach individually, knowing that no two children are alike, so how can they learn alike?

Every pregnancy is unique. All of us having been giving the true gift of creating another life, another individual who will leave their mark on the world. I took great pride in knowing that. Being pregnant with my child was truly the happiest time of my life. I woke up each day excited to feel the changes in my body. I loved feeling the kicks, the taps and the jiggly movements of the baby growing and exploring.

Every visit to the doctor was like joining the motherhood club. I loved sitting in the lobby and exchanging stories with the other pregnant women. We would compare notes on vitamins, diets, excercise and most importantly our dreams for our children.

Everything went well until my 38 week visit when my nightmare began. I had felt limited movement for about a day and told the nurse this. She quickly hooked me up to a monitor, appeared nervous and called in other staff. They moved me to the sonogram room, panicked when there appeared to be no life. Dragged me into another sono room and then cried not telling me what was going on. I jumped up and saw the still lifeform of my child on the sono machine. That was it for me.

I went into survival mode wanting to know what happened next, why it happened....I was rushed by my family to the hospital, drugged with Pitocin and 12 hours later delivered Derek Nathaniel who was wrapped in his cord 3x. I cried animal-like cries that I couldn't believe were coming from me. My husband planned the funeral and buried our son. I wrote a letter telling him that I loved him which was buried with him.

I have to believe that there was a reason for this. I'd like to believe that Derek's role was to inspire me to help others. He showed me that I have many who love me and support me. He's proven to me that I have strength like you wouldn't believe. He's shown me that I cannot take the beautiful children in my classes for granted, that I was given a gift to be able to make a difference in their lives.

We are optimistic about having more children. I want to turn this dark nightmare into a beautiful vivid dream. By this time next year, the cries that I want to hear will not be mine, but my baby's.

Jessica....lost Derek Nathaniel on 11/28/02...looking with great hope to the future.
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