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I Miss Caitlin
Nov 22, 2002

Hi everyone. My name is Mary. I lost my 11 month old daughter, Caitlin, on September 25th, 2002. It was three weeks before her 1st birthday. Instead of having the party we had planned for her, we were making arrangements for her funeral...

She had had a cold that turned into croup and during the night before she was having a very hard time breathing, she wasn't getting any sleep and wasn't eating. I couldn't get her to keep her meds down. By early morning my husband decided we should take her to the ER. We figured they would just give her a breathing treatment or put her in a humidifier tent, but they didn't. Instead they sedated her and attempted to intubate her. The anesthesiologist told us she was stable and and her lungs were clear and that she would just be there for a little while for observation and went on his way. The ER doctor continued to intubate her (my husband watched him read the instructions on how to intubate an infant). Within five minutes, he had the nurse get the anesthesiologist back stat. That's when they kicked us out of the ER. I never thought this was going to happen. They had everyone in there. About thirty minutes later the ER doctor came out and told us that she had passed away. I didn't understand how that could be. Their explanation covered them for not being at fault, but we found out later that the ER doctor had intubated her wrong, causing her left lung to collapse from lack of oxygen. She went into cardiac arrest and died around 7am.
This was a totally healthy baby girl who had never been sick before. We contacted her pediatrician who found out that she had been improperly intubated. He told us babies do NOT die from croup.
I am totally lost without her. She was my life. We were getting ready to try for another baby so Caitlin would have a sibling close to her in age. Now I don't know if I can do it. I want to, but I am so scared. Caitlin was my love and I miss her so much. How do we go on? I feel so empty and lost without her. I wish I could have held her more & told her how much I love her. I also can't stop thinking if we had only waited until the pediatrcian had opened and taken her there instead. The thoughts that if only we had done things differently, that she would still be here, constantly replay in my mind.
I do have my faith in God. It has been the only thing that keeps me going. Knowing that she is with Him in Heaven helps me cope. I know He is here for me, also.

I hope to find someone to talk with about this who has lost a child and understands how I feel. And maybe we can be of some comfort to one another. I am so glad I found this site. Thank you for being here.

God bless you.
Mary Hoover
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