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Half of Me is Missing
Nov 02, 2002

I can't believe I am writing to you all. Just over two weeks ago I was on line reading about childbirth. I lost my Melanie at 33 weeks on October 21. She just stopped moving. The doctors tell us it was a cord accident. Somehow Melanie kinked her cord and it caused a clot to form. Melanie was perfect. My husband and I are devestated. We don't know morning from night.
I can't look in a mirror and see my beautiful belly gone. I try to get dressed before I look in a mirror. I can't look at the scar. It is where her lifeless body came out of me for good. I am in shock.
Melanie would have been due on December 1. I was having the "Christmas baby". I was experiencing the most full and rich time of my life. She was so very much wanted. Never before had I been so happy. Now it is gone. I feel as if I have no hope-nothing to look forward to.
The doctors tell me we can have more children and that this is like being struck by lightening. It's funny, that is exactly what it feels like. My body aches for my Melanie. I can think of nothing else. My spirit is gone. I feel as if I am in a black hole, being sucked in deeper and deeper and people are trying to reach me to pull me out, but no one has arms long enough. I don't want to talk to anyone. Rehashing things that has happened with people who have absolutley no idea what we are going through is exhausting to me. It is like they want me to feel better for them so that they can get on with their lives when I can't even shower in the morning!!!
Reading your stories was so hard, for I see myself just two weeks into this nightmare. I feel I can't make it through another day, and yet you all have found some type of strenghth to get you through this. Half of me is missing. My precious baby and my hopes and dreams have been ripped from me, as they have from all of you. I cry myself to sleep at night and wake with the same tears.
I have so many questions. What stage of greif am I in? How do you deal with friends who have just had babies? How do you deal with friends who have due dates days or weeks away from what your child's would have been? How do you deal with your husband's differences in greif handling? How do you do anything that remotely resembles your life before. I don't want to go anywhere people know that I was pregnant. I can't answer their questions or look into their eyes. Why do I feel ashamed of this tragedy? I know I didn't do anything to cause this, and yet I feel ashamed as if I did.
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