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Why Did He Die?
Oct 31, 2002

Hi everyone. I don't know where to begin. This is my first experience with your website and quiet frankly I don't know how or why I'm here. I guess I'm looking for some kind of help. On July 27th I lost my baby boy. Joshua was 15 months and 15 days old. I haven't been the same since. They have given me no cause for death. I kept being told 6-8 weeks and we'll have results. When I finally did get somebody to send me the death certificate the cause of death was "undetermined." Now what kind of answer is that for a mom? All along I just expected the doctors to report that Josh's death was a sids death.(I had gone into his room and found him dead after a night's sleep.) But after all the tests the doctors said there wasn't anything abnormal found and that all is tests were clear, no reason for death found. If there was nothing wrong with him, how could he have died? I keep asking myself this over and over.

Since Josh passed away I can't get my life back. I feel like I just run and run and run. I stay as busy as I can. Since July 27th I have gotten married(to the baby's father), bought a new house and completely redone it, sent my daughter off to kindergarten, and become a 4-5 day a week volunteer at her school. I have to be constantly moving and going not to fall apart. Last night we moved the final load of stuff into our new house and alot of it was Joshua's things that had been boxed up. I completely lost it. I snapt when I couldn't find a box(which was there I just overlooked it). I am exhausted but I have buried myself with responsibilities because when I sit down for a minute I freak out. Where do I go from here? I don't think I can make it here without my precious baby boy, but my beautiful daughter needs me more than ever. Any advice?

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