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Sweet Baby Connor
Oct 19, 2002

I could hardly believe my eyes when all 5 pregnany tests showed positive that I was pregnant. I was totally in shock, we has used protection, I was over 35, have 3 beautiful daughters from my first marrige and now I was with child! Excited, I could hardly wait to tell the girls! So I waited until Mother's Day May 2002 to let my girls know that we would be adding an addition to our family in September, and it would be a baby brother!! The sheer joy and happiness filled our home in the countdown til baby brother would arrive! We had picked out names, things for the baby's room and planned our new baby's whole life! Then on July 30, 2002 everything changed. At my routine visit that morning my blood pressure was extremly high, so they had me lay on my right side for a while. I knew instantly, something was wrong. It brought back all the memories from 16 years ago when I had lost my first child at 19weeks. I was 31 weeks with this pregnancy, everything was perfect, weight gain was great, heartbeat strong they must be wrong. The doctor came into the exam room and my worst fears were confirmed... no heart beat, none. I drove myself to the hospital, frantically thinking maybe they were wrong, meeting Jon at the hospital. My daughters had stayed another night at our lakehome and were returning that afternoon with Grandpa. I dreded making the phone call to tell my dad we had a tragic situation to deal with and told him not to tell the girls I wanted to tell them. At the hospital they induced my labor, watched my blood pressure. Family members came to the hospital, and finally the girls arrived. As soon as they came into my room I could'nt even talk, only cry. Looking at my poor broken hearted girls was simply unbearable. Jon explained that baby brothers heart had stopped beating. I worried so much about how the girls would ever handle this loss. At one point while the girls were at the hospital before I had delivered, my youngest daughter told me that out in the hallway in the nursery, was a baby in there that nobody wanted, it was a girl, but maybe we could take that baby home! She also informed me she still had 3 dollars of her allowance money that she could give the hospital in return for the baby girl.Grandpa and Grandma took the girls home around 9:00pm Labor really started for me around 10:30 pm and by 11:52 pm Connor Ron was born. He was a beautiful baby boy weighing 3lbs 2 oz and 15 inchs long. Dark hair, Daddy's features and all of mommy's love. We got to hold,talk,love and grieve him immediatly. Wondering all about the "what if's". They called the chaplain and she came right to our room and we blessed sweet baby Connor. Then they took Connor to bathe him and do finger and footprints. in the meantime my mom and oldest daughter who is 15 came back to the hospital. Along with my sister-in-law, a best friend and her 15 yr old daughter were all in my room when they brought Connor back in. My oldest daughter got to bond and try to except the loss of her baby brother. That was a special night I will never, ever forget. We visit Connor at the cemetary quite often, for a while I went 4-5 times daily. I can tell you he has the most manicured grave site of all. We visit all the time and the little girls talk to him as though he was here, telling him all about school activities and so on. I have a real hard time wondering did I do something wrong? Is God mad at me? Why would he take our sweet Connor from us? Connor would have had all the love and nurturing above and beyond what some other children recieve. We are good people. Why has this happened? Connor will always be with us, I just wish it was physically. I look at my 3 daughters and know just how lucky I am. To feel the way I do about Connor sometimes makes me feel so guilty and selfish. A mother's love can never be hidden, therefore I still grieve. With the holidays just aroung the corner, we have as a family decided to give some of Connor's things to charity. I have a special keepsake that they gave me at the hospital full of things concerning Connor,including a lock of hair, booties, hat etc. It does help that we can get all of this out when we are feeling blue and it really does help. Moving on with life is supposed to help, and I am trying and I do think it is getting a little eaiser, but I can never forget Sweet baby Connor.
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