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I Feel So Helpless
Oct 15, 2002

My husband and I found out two weeks ago after a routine ultrasound that our baby is slowly dying inside of me. The initial concern was that there is no fluid in the aminotic sac. After further research with a more detailed ultrasound and a MRI scan we learned that the baby has no kidneys. It is a very rare condition called bilateral renal agenesis. This is our second pregnancy, the first ended in a early 6 weeks miscarriage. The doctor says the baby's heart is being overworked to compensate for the lack of kidneys and will only live for another 3 to 6 weeks. I am now almost 25 weeks pregnant. If the baby dies in utero we will have to induce labor at that point but for now we are waiting and loving our baby for the little time that we have him. I have not felt him move for a week or so because of the lack of fluid. But yesterday we heard his heartbeat. No one seems to have the words nor do I myself to make this any easier. I'm quite frightened of the labor and delivery yet to come. I have a very strong faith and trust that God has something special in mind for this little one. Yet today I feel so sad for the loss of our dreams. I had been writing letters to the baby that someday I would give to him. Letters about trusting God and finding someone who will love and respect you with the kind of love my husband and I have for each other. I desperately wanted that for my child. I am a teacher and I have seen so many children without that love from home. I still want more than anything to be a mother. I guess now I am a mother but I feel so helpless, not being able to give him more, not being able to keep him alive
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