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How Can I Forgive?
May 24, 2002

DEVIN JOSE BONILLA: My little angel. Coping with his loss has been and still is the hardest thing ever. I know that it has been almost 5 years since he has been gone, however the time does not matter. I still see his perfect smile when I close my eyes. He is the first thing that is on my mind every morning when I wake up making it very hard for me to focus through out the day because I am mostly feeling guilty that he is gone. I know that I was not at fault at all with his death. But I just cannot stop feeling guilty over how he was taken from me. I keep telling myself only if I was at home with my babies and not at work. My son who just turned 3 on June 16, 1997 and was taken from me on October 26, 1997. The hardest thing to deal with is that he was taken from me from someone that I was suppose to trust and be in love with. My husband, Devin's stepdad and whom I also had another child with Allyson who was 8 months old at the time and was not injured at all..thank god! All I did was go to work and then almost 5 hours later I receive the call that 911 was called and they have to rush Devin to the emergency room. Why? I asked there is nothing wrong with him. I make it there and he was DOA. Please God no don't take my baby boy, my love, my angel! That is all I could think about. Why did you do this to me why did I deserve this? So now I feel selfish for thinking that, when Devin was the one in pain. He did not doing anything wrong to deserve this, he could never do anything wrong he was only 3 years old. That man that I called my husband betrayd me over jealousy. He was so jealous of the love that I had for my children that he thought he could be closer if it were just his daughter and his wife. However now he knows as he sits in prision that it does not work that way. If he only knew the affect that it has done to my daughter and I, and how long it will contiue to affect us. Allyson is so brave she handles this situation better than her mommy does. I just had to let people know that are out there they are not alone. I pray for all children in the world that are affected by child abuse in some sort. I know hate is a pretty strong feeling and you are not suppose to hate, however I know I hate him for taking my angel away from because I have not forgave him and I know I should so that I can let future love in my life however I am not coping with that situation very well. I feel I will continue to hate for sometime.

Thank You For reading

The mother of a very wonderful son Devin and continuing to be the best mother for my daughter Allyson.
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