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Trying To Let Go
May 17, 2002

Maybe it's time to let go, certaintly its been a long time. I lost two sons, approx. six years apart. My only two sons. My first son died in an automobile accident. He was an infant, less than a month old. I lost my second son at the age of four. I barely got a chance to know my first son, but I believe he would of had a great deal of personality, mostly I could tell because when I was pregnate he would always kick and move around. I would put my hand on my belly and talk to him and say to him how happy I was. I would read books to him while he was in my belly and call his name. He was active even before he was born. Sadly it was a short time we spent together. Words can't explain what I felt when my husband and I lost our son. Losing my second son was even move devastating. He was four. I can't tell you how great of a lost this was without breaking down crying. Although its been nearly ten years. The pain is STILL there. He was beautiful, and his sweet tender voice was enchanting when he spoke to me, calling me mommy and occassionally mama. I hate that he is gone. I really hate it. I can't go deeper than this. I want so badly to say what I feel, but each time I get ready to type the words, the emotion overwhelm me. And I have to pause as I type. And I can't cry right now, because I'm on my computer at work. And when I think deeply about my children especially my last son, I break so far down that I sometime feel that I need help. Its been years now, and however, I've learned to deal better with it. I have often question why I had to lose my babies. Somehow I am grateful that I am not a complete basket case. Believe me, I'm gratful for that. In my heart, through all the tears, the 'whys' and breakdowns I have learned to cope. It does get easier. Some hard days and some days when I am completely fine. I'm grateful that there are more of the fine days than the hard days. And I have gotten stronger. Somehow through my faith, I hold on, believing that God knows best. Truly he have blessed me in many ways. And I am grateful for his blessings. I don't have all the answers, but I do have the faith and belief that someday I will be completely healed from my sorrows.
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