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One Day At a Time
Oct 28, 2002

My son Dwayne was 9 years old when he had his first so-called seizure.He was put on dilatin and phebarbitol. Everything was ok for several months..Then another so-called seizure..The doctor up the dose..Again everything was fine ,until he turned 11. On Nov 8 1988,he was playing baseball with his uncle, who was his age, and big brother. A few minutes after they all quit, Dwayne coming running inside and said "Mom I am having a seizure"..I looked at him and told him everything would be ok. He said MOM!...That is when his face contorted and he dropped. I ran to him and seen nothing in his eyes.I panic like I have never paniced before. I grabbed him and started running. I lived 45 miles from town and had no idea at the time what I was doing. My oldest son caught me, screaming at me "Mom start CPR" At that moment I realized what I was doing.I stopped ,put my son down ,started CPR. A neighbor passing seen something was wrong and stopped. We loaded Dwayne in her station wagon and left for the hospital.I continued CPR all the way. She came upon a fire station and stopped.Someone ran in to get help.Meanwhile I got Dwayne out of the car. I continue CPR. Suddenly someone was pulling me away from him. The firemen continued the CPR. I was trying to get to him , when someone grabbed me by both arms. It was the police, asking me all kinds of questions. All I was concerned about was my son, going to the hospital with him. They would not let me ride with him in the ambulance, they said I had to stay there until they finish questioning me.. Finally after what seemed an eternity they said I could go.A lady that had stopped offered me a ride to the hospital.
when I got to the hospital they would not let me go in with him.A Preacher come out to talk to me. He ask me "how old WAS your son" I thought I would die right there. He realized what he said and tried to retract it. But he knew I knew. Then the doctor came out and told me. He said they had no idea what had happen to him. They ask me questions and told me because of the circumstances of the death ,he would have to have an autopsy.
I went through a terrible time, unbearable. I blamed myself for not saving him. I go over this everyday in my mind. When the doctor that did the autopsy called me to come see him, I did not know what to think. Horrible thoughts feel my head. I didn't know that someone had told him I was blaming myself for his death. He assured me that I had done nothing wrong. Dwayne had died of a massive heart attack. He also said Dwayne never had a seizure in his life. The first two attacks were also his heart. To me I did do something wrong.I have to live with this everyday. I trusted my hometown doctor with my son's life. His doctor from birth. As I look back I know now Dwayne had all the systems of a heart problem. I just never knew.
My family has suffered so much grief. His dad could not cope with it and left. He died 4 yrs ago at the age of 46. His sisters and brother cope like me, one day at a time. I thank the Lord for getting us threw these years.

To my son:.I am so sorry I failed you. If I had it to do over I would. I would not take one Doctors word for your illness. I would get more opinions. I love you so much and I miss you so much more with every passing day. It has been 13 years son, but it seems like yesterday. The pain stays inside me, the memory of that day. It is so hard to go on without you, but I have learned to take one day a time. I have all the good memories still. Someday we will be together again. I love you. Mom
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