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Angel Victoria--A Story of Hope
Mar 08, 2002

I will never forget the day they told me my tubes were blocked - I thought I would never feel that much hurt and anger again, if only I had been right. After nearly two years of trying and on our second IVF attempt we got the call telling us we were finally pregnant and probably with multiples. I walked on sunshine for the first two days until I had to go back for a confirmation hcg test. To our shock the numbers had not doubled, the next test showed dropping numbers and then they went up again. The doctor explained that either I was having a miscarriage or I was loosing one of our little ones or our baby was struggling to survive - I went home and rested for a week and waited for an ultrasound. At 5 weeks we got to see our little jelly bean on the screen, my heart soared. I had been talking to our jelly bean/s and playing them music and now we had visual proof that one of them had made it. I thought after such a troubled beggining she must be a fighter and we would sail through the rest of the pregnancy. At 7 weeks we went back and got to see her heartbeat - a miracle in front of our eyes. My husban actually had tears in his eyes and even the doctor looked emotional. At 9 weeks we went back expecting to see our little jelly bean jumping around, we were so excited on the drive to the doctors rooms and we were laughing and joking, talking to our little one and telling her its her first big day of many. The doctor turned out the ligts and this huge big sac appeared on the screen but no baby jumping around. He looked and looked and eventually found our tiny little baby with no heartbeat. I begged him not to say anything but he told us our baby had died and had stopped developing after the last scan. Our baby died inside of me and I did not even know. The pain in my husbands eyes was the worst thing I have ever had to see - nobody should see so much hurt in somebody they love. We came back to the hospital the next day and they took our baby away and sent us home. I wanted to just disappear, I felt so guilty and ashamed. I worried that she had hurt or been scared and I did not even know, I felt guilty that I had not loved her enough to keep her with me. Those first few weeks were the worst of my life, I had to be told to brush my teeth and to eat. I did not believe it would get better but now 2 months later I still think about our angel Victoria and I still grieve for her but I am so much better. I believe her life had a purpose, she has taught me so much about me and I have grown so much since loosing her. I still get angry and sad and it still hurts but life is no longer black and bleak. I have learned to trust in God and his plan for my life, I have learned that my husband hurts even though he does not show it and I have learned that I am a stronger person than I would have ever thought. These are hard lessons to learn and I wish I did not have to learn them by loosing Victoria but I have accepted His plan. I have a pendant with Victoria's birthstone in it and I wear it to remeber our precious angel who is with us in spirit everyday.

I am sorry this is long but I needed to tell her story, maybe it will help someone going through the same pain. Let you angels wings wrapp themselves around you and protect you, I am sorry you have to go through all this pain but hold onto the hope that one day it will get easier. One day you will see beauty in the world again.
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