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My Little Angel
Oct 10, 2002
Some days I feel extremely lost. Some days it is hard to catch my breath. My due date is quickly approaching...three days to go, and as I sit here tonight I am overwhelmed. I am thinking that I am not ready for this day to come. From the day I lost her I have battled with myself, judged myself to no end. All I ever hear is that there is a reason for everything. So what is the reason that I lost my baby? I get so angry and frustrated with this world that lacks compassion and empathy. And on the other hand I have lacked that compassion and empathy for myself. No one is perfect and yet there is a world full of mothers and fathers. Yet I sit here and I judge myself, every facet of my life. And I judge him, the baby's father. This obstacle of life is the worst hurdle that I have ever had to try to jump over. Each time it seems like I have a chance of conquering it, I approach another milestone...this is the biggest one of them all...the day my little princess should have been born. On Monday, October 14th I have decided to take all the cards I recieved, along with her beautiful pictures and her sweet little footprints that never are far from my reach and place them in a box and put them away. I am going to put them somewhere close but not too close ,and I'm going to try to live again. I haven't lived in five months and some days. I haven't felt happiness since then either. I've been lost. It's difficult to think that at this time I should have been expecting my baby but instead I'm batteling that emptiness that is wreekinng havok on my insides. I know my little Angel who is always here with me doesn't want me to cry anymore. She doesn't want me to continue this way. I will never let go of her, my baby, Hope. She is never far from my thoughts. On Monday, I am going to visit her at the cemetary where she is buried with the other little Angels as I do a lot, but this time I'm going to send some pink balloons sailing into the sky, the address is Heaven, where I can be assured that she is safe and sound and always with me.
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